


Vigilantes

by D_writes



Category: Birds of Prey (And the Fantabulous Emancipation of One Harley Quinn) (2020)
Genre: Birds of Prey, F/F, Helena x dinah, Hurt/Comfort, Panic Attacks, Post-Canon, Self-Harm, Slow Burn, anger issues
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-24
Updated: 2020-04-01
Packaged: 2021-02-28 19:40:54
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 23,066
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23302570
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/D_writes/pseuds/D_writes
Summary: Started writing what follows the events right after Harley and Cass stole Dinah's car at the end of the movie, it's turning into Huntress working through her trauma and learning how to be vulnerable.
Relationships: Helena Bertinelli & Dinah Lance & Renee Montoya & Harleen Quinzel, Helena Bertinelli/Dinah Lance
Comments: 62
Kudos: 286





	1. Prologue

“She stole my fucking car!”

Dinah turned into the diner’s booth at the sound of screeching tires and Harley’s unmistakeable cackle. She watched her speeding away through the curtains and immediately realised that running after them would be useless.

“What?” Renee whispered to herself. She mentally scolded herself for letting her guard down around a criminal. She should have expected that, but she was too caught up in the post-victory euphoria.

Helena just laughed. She found the whole situation pretty hilarious. Harley definitely knew how to make both an entrance and an exit memorable. The cold glare she received from both women quickly made her understand this was no laughing matter. She mimicked Renee and Dinah’s worried expression and apologised. Understanding social cues was still a little hard for Helena, but she was willing to try her best to fit in. “I’m sorry, I guess it’s not funny?” she said tentatively.

“No shit, genius” Dinah let out, plopping back on her seat and resting her head on the wall behind her. Helena thought she saw a wet film over her eyes, but Dinah shut them too soon for her to be sure.

“Fucking Harley Quinn...” Renee seethed, fists balling up in rage.

A practical person at heart, and armed with her best intentions, Helena proposed: “You can buy another car, a better one... that one was a piece of junk anyway.” She was enjoying the energy the group had before Harley’s stunt, and was eager to get back to it. “Another drink?” she proposed, with a small but hopeful smile.

Dinah hit the table with her closed fist and stood up, stomping out of the diner without a word.

“You really need to learn how to take a hint, Crossbow Killer.” Renee said drily, while collecting her stuff scattered on the table. “See you around” she added, already walking out.

Helena found herself sitting alone, surrounded by five half-drunk margaritas and the burrito Cass had barely nibbled at before running off with Harley’s. She looked around, suddenly self-conscious, but non one in the diner paid any attention to her. Gotham’s citizen’s had seen much weirder things that a car theft in broad daylight. A burly middle-aged waitress walked over to her booth, her face displaying some sort of unfriendly apathy, and unceremoniously slapped a piece of paper on the table.

“Your friends left without paying” she explained, an eyebrow cocked up as to say _don’t think you can do the same_.

Helena felt a pang of anger for the unkind stranger, and her hand instinctively reached for her crossbow. The waitress flinched and almost took a step back, but stood her ground. Helena sighed and nodded, let go of her weapon and grabbed her wallet instead.

* * *

Helena walked out of the diner and found herself on the crowded pavement, unsure of how to proceed from there. She looked around, trying to figure out her next move.

She wasn’t quite used to the big city yet.

She had spent the past 20 years in a small town, surrounded by men who taught talking was an unwelcome necessity. _Onore e omertà_ was the motto back there. And even if she wanted people around town didn’t really know how to talk to her. Everybody knew what had happened, and felt too sorry to start a conversation without letting their pity show. It made her furious. Once, at the street market, someone asked “how are you feeling, sweetie?” with such a sad face she had felt so angry she ended up trashing their stall until Massimo had to physically restrain her.

That was the last time he took her to a crowded place.

She didn’t mind. She preferred walking around the dry hills in the countryside, throwing knife at a dead olive tree. She had tried with the trees in their garden, but Massimo asked her to stop: the blades kept chipping at the bark and causing fungal infections in the wood. Trees die slowly, but they eventually do, and replacing them was a real hassle. So she started looking for a more suitable target.

The hill where the dead olive tree stood was otherwise bare, and distant birdsongs were the only sound. Helena had spent countless afternoons throwing arrows and knives at the trunk, and despite the sturdiness of the wood, she had managed to dig a small cavity. Her aim was precise enough the hole remained fairly narrow, and got deeper over time. Then, one day, she found a bird nest in the hollow space she had created - and just like that, the tree wasn’t lifeless anymore.

“Get out of the way” a short Asian woman, too old to fear anything, walked in front of her and run the wheels of her shopping trolley over her boots, leaving white streaks on the black leather. The old lady mumbled some other grievances Helena was too far to hear.

“So this is how it ends” she thought to herself. She imagined Renee, Dinah, Harley and Cass walking towards opposite direction, leaving her alone in the middle of a crossroad. She counted the change in her pocket and tried to figure out what bus she needed to get home, while taking mental note to find a Ducati dealership the next day. She needed a new motorbike.

* * *

Renee Montoya knew when it was time to quit.

Actually, that was a lie. Renee Montoya knew when quitting was long overdue, and it still took her boss taking credit for yet another achievement of hers to finally accept it was the only option left. She packed her stuff in a box, a left the police force without as much as a pat on the back.

She dropped the box on the floor of her apartment and dug out a bottle of whiskey from her cupboard. She didn’t bother getting a glass.

Twenty-seven years she had served in the force. They weren’t all bad. She had some good partners - of course, they were all dead. Good cops don’t last very long in Gotham, which made her doubt she was one after all. She had made questionable decisions in the past. Traded information, stole evidence. Joined forces with an Arkham fugitive to save her own skin, and that was the most fun she had in a while. It didn’t matter anymore.

She took another swig from the bottle, and let the whiskey burn her throat. She felt a warmth in her stomach, but it didn’t last long enough to call it relief. She sank back on sofa, contemplating what to do next.

* * *

Dinah wanted to scream, but couldn’t. Not without killing every living being within a mile radius. So she went to the gym instead, eyed the punching bag in the corner and started going at it. Punches were not her thing, that was Montoya’s speciality, so she took her shoes off of started kicking it.

It didn’t take long for a tall, muscular man to come over. “Madam - he rested his had on the bag, and raised the other as to ask her to stop - I’m sorry but you can kick the bag.”

“Why not?” she seethed, sweat dripping from her forehead.

He pointed at a sign on the wall that stated the punching bag was, unsurprisingly, only for punching. She rolled her eyes. He was wearing a tight t-shirt that said “gym staff” on his left pec. His tone was calm and he had a kind smile. He gave her with an understanding look, but it was clear he wouldn’t budge. “They are expensive to replace” he added “and I’m pretty sure you’re going to break it.”

She dropped her fists that had been raised in front of her chest until then. She wiped some sweat from her brow with the back of her hand, nodding. “Yeah, of course. I get it.” she replied, frustrated more with herself than with him.

“Bad day?” he asked.

“None of your business.”

“You’re right” He raised his hands, apologetically. “No kicking” he repeated, patting the punching bag twice before going back to his usual stroll among the free weights, putting back a couple of dumbbells with a sigh.

Punching just wasn’t the same, she told herself. Kicking was second nature, and right now she needed to let off some steam, not learn boxing. Instead, she grew even more frustrated, and decided it was not working. She gave up. She took a shower, changed back into her crop top and tight pants, and walked out of the changing room. As she was about to leave the gym, the guy who told her not to kick the bag, who was now standing at the entrance, waved goodbye, his thick beard curling up as he smiled.

Dinah took a few steps, then turned back.

“Hey” she said, approaching him. His posture shifted to give her full attention. He was very handsome, and had a confidence about him that came with knowing his own strength and size. He looked like the kind of guy who has nothing to prove to anyone, and had a calming aura about him.

“Hey” he greeted back.

“I’m sorry I snapped.”

“No problem”

She hesitated for a second, the added: “Maybe you’d like to... get a drink later?”

His eyebrows shot up at the unexpected proposal. “Uh... I... I’m flattered but you should know I’m gay.”

Dinah scrunched her face, trying to hide her embarrassment. “Of course. My bad.” She was about to turn and leave when he added: “I’ll still go for a drink if you’d like a chat. Looks like you could use one.” After a brief moment considering pros and cons, she shrugged and said “Sure, why not.” He smiled again, and this time she smiled back.

She waited for him to finish his shift in a pub nearby. It was almost empty, and there was a pool table, so she decided that’s what she was going to do in the meantime. Maybe a focussed activity would calm her nerves. Guilherme walked in about half hour later, and Dinah had just missed the cue ball by a landslide. “Fuck” she whispered, frustrated.

“It’s really not your day, huh.” He said, a little mockingly, but not enough for her to get mad at him.

“You could say that” she replied “Can I get you a drink?” He raised his protein drink and shook his head, then leaned against the side of the table. She looked at the kind stranger who took pity on her at the gym, and suddenly felt sorry for herself. “You don’t have to do this” she said with a bitter smile.

“I know” he replied “but why not? I don’t have much to do, you seem fun, I like playing pool.” He picked a cue stick and rubbed the chalk on the tip “I don’t really know what this is for, but it looks cool.”

“Do you even know how to play?” she asked, amused.

“Absolutely not” he replied with a cheeky smile.

“Alright” she smiled back.

* * *

“So now that you’ve explained this wonderful game to me, and you’ve beaten me three time, I feel like we’re friends. That’s how straight people make friends right?” Guilherme asked.

“I’m not straight, thank you very much.” Dinah replied, already a little tipsy.

“Oh my God I am so sorry, honey” he apologised, bringing a hand to his chest “can we still be friends?”

She chuckled and nodded.

“Cool cool cool... then why don’t you tell me what’s on your mind? Why are you so angry?”

Dinah drop her head back and groaned, then finally said: “someone stole my car a few days ago.”

“Oh shit! Did you call the police?”

“The police is not going to do anything. Plus it was an old car, a real trashpile...”

“...but?” he encouregaed.

“But it was my mother’s. It’s one of the few things she left.”

Guilherme gave a sympathetic look.

“You know what pissed me off is that the person who stole it... I thought we were friends. Which was stupid, because she’s not a person anyone should trust. And then I snapped at my other friend, so I guess that person is gone too. I don’t even know where to find her to apologise.”

“Not that close of a friend then.” He suggested.

“We’ve just met, but she’s kinda cool... I mean she has some anger issues, to be honest.”

“Well that’s definitely something you two have in common” he teased her.

* * *

Riding in the city wasn’t nearly as relaxing as Helena would have liked. Traffic in Gotham is always a pain in the ass, and even more so around 7pm. After leaving the bike dealership, she didn’t make if very far before she found herself sandwiched between a taxi and a truck. She tried to sneak past the truck but a bus on the next lane was too close, and pedestrians kept crossing the road on the wrong spot. She yearned for a long, empty countryside road, or a highways with no speed limit. Even Gotham at night would do. But this? This was just a infuriating.

She twisted the accelerator, nervously, scaring a man in a suit who decided to cross the road a little to close to her. He winced, she chuckled. She wished there was someone she could complain to. She wished she know where to find Dinah and Renee. She still didn’t get why they were so upset, and she was a little angry at herself for not being able to read the room. And now they were gone.

 _So what if she was alone_ , she thought. It’s not like she wasn’t used to it. Fuck Montoya, and fuck Dinah Lance. She didn’t need them. She felt a familiar anger surging in her stomach, her heartbeat getting faster. She bit her lower lip, and chewed on it without realising, until she felt the taste of blood in her mouth. The bus moved enough for her to squeeze past the truck, and she accelerated hastily, making a couple of pedestrian jump back to the sidewalk.

She turned into a side road, unsure where it would lead her. Gotham was still new to her, and right now she didn’t even know where she was. Then, out of the corner of her eye, she saw a tall, pale woman running, followed by shorter girl. She stopped and turned: three policemen we running after them, hopelessly screaming “Stop!” while struggling to keep up.

“I just want to eat my goddamn egg sandwich!” She heard in the distance, and watched one of the cops being hit in the face by a tin foiled wrapped sandwich.

Apparently Harley couldn’t stay out of trouble.

Without thinking too much a about it, Helena sped up to follow the cops into what turned out to be a street market. She swerved around the traffic barrier and the crowd parted at the sound of her motorbike. She quickly caught up with the cops. She pulled out her crossbow and pointed at their back, but decided killing three policemen was not something she should do so lightly. Instead, she spotted a fruit stall and quickly shot a few arrow that landed on the metal supports that were keeping the table up. Apples and oranges that were neatly piles fell to the ground, and she watched a couple of policemen stumble gracelessly over them, to then find themselves trapped under the canopy that was dragged down in the process.

“Oh hey Huntress!” Harley screamed cheerfully while climbing the ladder of a fire escape while Cass, still wearing her cast, snuck into a cafe. The third policemen followed Harley up the ladder, and Helena decided it would be smarter to park and make sure Cass was safe. It didn’t take long for Helena to find the teenager hiding behind the bar, she could see her on the reflection on the fridge.

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry” Cass whimpered as Helena pulled her out “I didn’t mean to steel your diamond, it was Harley’s idea!”

Helena was not listening to her. She grabbed a helmet from a seat, pointing her crossbow at the owner when he started complaining.

“Wear this” she orderer, and Cass obeyed, slightly terrified. Helena sat on her bike and glared at Cass, who was hesitating to sit behind her. The teenager knew there was no way to escape, and she jumped on the back of the bike.

“Hold on tight!” Helena yelled, and Cass complied just in time for the recoil from the sudden acceleration.

“Where are we going?” She yelled back.

“You tell me” Helena replied “Where does Harley live?”

* * *

It took two hours for Harley to appear, bleeding from a scratch on her eyebrow. She lowered herself from the roof of the building, and climbed into the flat from the window. She took a sight of relief, that only lasted a split second before seeing Helena on her sofa pointing her crossbow to her forehead.

“Oh, hey!” she smiled, and waved gingerly.

“I’m sorry Harley, I had no choice but to take her here.” Cass whined.

“It’s ok kiddo, it’s not your fault.” Harley reassured her, moving her arms a bit too much for Helena’s taste.

“Hands up!” She ordered.

“Ok, ok, calm down” Harley complied.

“I am calm!” Helena yelled, and the room fell into an awkward silence.

“Look, let’s make a deal, ok?” Harley proposed. Helena breathed through her nostrils a few times before asking “What kind of deal?”

“You want your money back, right?” She checked, and Helena nodded. “Well, we have retrieved the codes from the diamond, but... I can’t really go to the bank, can I? Plus, they are legitimately yours. I give you the codes, you leave me the diamond. So I can sell it. How about that?”

Helena frowned, that’s not why she was there, but not that she thought about it, that sounded like a good deal.

“So?” Harley prompted, impatient.

“Ok” Helena finally said.

“Ok!” Harley cheered, lowering her arms.

“Wait!” Helena pointed her crossbow once more.

“What now?”

“I want... I want Dinah’s car back.”

Harley tilted her head, confused, and Bruce, who was now standing next to her, did the same. “That piece of junk?”

“Just give it back!” she yelled again, straightening her arm to point the crossbow with more determination.

“Ok, ok. No problem. The keys are on the table, just take them.”

“I...” Helena bit her lip, and paused.

“What?”

“I don’ know where she lives, and... I can’t drive.”

Cass let out a short laugh, and Harley plopped her arms down, rolling her eyes. “Fine, let’s go then.”

* * *

Harley and Cass drove in front of Helena, who followed them on her bike. Dinah’s apartment was right in front of Sionis’ club, that was now shut down. Before Helena could thank her, Harley had backflipped out of the convertible and was yelling: “Come on kid! the second best egg sandwich in town is just round the corner! It’s not Sal’s, but he puts a little paprika on it so.” Cass run after her, and the two disappeared in small street.

Helena sighed, and grabbed the keys from the car. There was no name on the doorbell, but Harley said it was on the third floor so that’s where she rang. No one replied. Helena realised Harley may have just taken her to a random flat and scolded herself internally for not forcing her to stay until she was sure that was the right place. She was ready to leave when a familiar voice came from the intercom: “Hello?”

Helena had already stepped away from the door, so she hurried back and said: “Yes, hello, Dinah.”

“Who’s this?”

“It’s Hele- it’s Huntress” she corrected herself, finding some composure.

The door opened, but she could still hear Dinah mumbling “Does everybody have my fucking address or...”

Helena walked up the three flights of stairs and found the door of Dinah’s apartment left ajar. She entered, cautiously, and followed the voices she could hear inside.

“Come on, we are a good team!” she heard.

“Why don’t you take a holiday now that you’ve left the force, instead of trying to drag me into some vigilante shit” Dinah replied.

Helena walked into the living room, and found Renee was already there.

“Oh” she let out, worrying the skin of her thumb “I didn’t realise you’d be here. I’m sorry, I guess you wanted to meet without me.” She turned on her heels, and stepped towards the hall.

“What? No!” Renee tried to stop her “I didn’t know how to find you. You didn’t leave your phone number or anything.”

Helena stopped on her tracks and turned her head.

“Yeah, actually she asked me if I knew how to find you.” Dinah confirmed, and only then Helena turned completely, still looking a bit unsure.

“Why?” she asked, a little crinkle between her eyebrow showing she wasn’t quite convinced yet.

“I think we should work together” Renee said with a newfound enthusiasm. Dinah hadn’t shown much interest in her idea, but maybe Huntress would.

“She wants to put together some type of crime fighting squad” Dinah added with a sneer.

“Just the three of us. My fist, her legs, your crossbow. We gotta do something, clean up the streets from this scum. You know there’s still plenty out there.”

Dinah admired Renee dedication. “She just quit her job and needs a side project.” she explained “Why don’t you pick up baking or some other hobby, Montoya?”

“Fuck off, Canary”

Helena found herself looking at them with some type of endearment and a hint of envy. In the past few days she spent alone and without a mission, she wasn’t entirely sure what to do with herself either. Maybe she needed a hobby too.

“I’m in” she said, without thinking much of it. She would get to shoot some bad guys, and spend time with the closest thing she had to a couple of friends. It’s not like she had anything better to do.

“Oh god” Dinah rolled her eyes, and brought a hand to her forehead.

“Yes!” Renee cheered with a little fist pump. “I knew it.”

Dinah took a step to the side, shaking her head. Renee could see she was now considering the idea, and was mentally rubbing her hands.

“What are you here for, though?” she asked Helena, trying to change the topic.

Helena raised her eyebrow, almost distracted, and then remember: “Oh I... I got your car.”

“Are you kidding me?” Dinah’s face lit up, running to the window. “Fuck yeah!” she yelled, spotting her convertible parked downstairs. Helena showed her the keys she had in her hand and dropped them on the cabinet next to her. Dinah run to her and said “Thanks man!”, showing her fist, that Helena now knew she needed to bump with her own.

“Sure, no problem” she said stoically, but she felt immensely relieved when she realise she had made it up to her.

“We should celebrate” Renee decided “let’s go for a drink and we can talk about my plan. You’re driving, Canary.”


	2. Birds of Prey

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Birds of Prey are born.  
> Montoya is softer than she looks.  
> Dinah is doing her best.  
> Helena is learning.

Montoya was stubborn, and she managed to have it her way. Not only she put together her anti-crime squad, she got Bertinelli money to fund it. Helena thought the best way to use her family’s money was to put it to work against organised criminality, it was her way to redeem herself. She also had nothing else to do with it. All she knew was fighting and shooting things at frightening accuracy and speed.

It took a few weeks for them to find their ground and learn to work together.

Renee established her network within her old police department. Whenever one her cop friends hit a bureaucratic wall, she could go around it. Suddenly evidence showed up on their desk, witnesses turned themselves in.

Helena wasn’t always pleased when they handed over their hard work to the police, because it usually meant they were leaving the fighting to them too, and that’s all she was interested in. However, there was no lack of opportunity to shoot some arrows as Renee has the bad habit of pissing off all the wrong people.

As for Dinah, it did’t take long for her to be fully invested. It only took one good look at Gotham underbelly to see the corruption, the blackmailing, the grip the crime lords had on the working class, on illegal immigrants, on every type of unprotected minority. Once Dinah Lance couldn’t pretend she didn’t know, Black Canary took over.

She was the one who most often would stop and think about their mission. Renee had her own code of conduct: after so many years in the force, you couldn’t really take the cop out of her. Helena, on the other hand, had none. She had two setting: fighting, and waiting for a fight, which mainly involved training. Recently, however, Dinah noticed Helena was trying to find a space between those two modes, and wasn’t entire sure how to fill it.

“What are you guys up to?” Dinah asked once they had finished their debrief. Montoya insisted on those, and truth to be told they were pretty useful.

“I’m trying to patch things up with Ellen” Renee mumbled.

“What?” Dinah said “you’re going back to your ex? You know that never works! Helena tell her, please.”

Helena looked up from her bag and raised her eyebrows: “I wouldn’t know.” she said without much on an inflection in her voice.

“You’ve never crawled back to an ex? Kudos to you.”

“I don’t have an ex.” she corrected.

“Lemme get this straight: you’ve never been in a relationship?” Renee inquired, incredulous.

“No, of course not.” Helena replied, confused “Guys you know I was locked away training for most of my life, right? I think that ship has sailed.” she shrugged, and went back to packing her stuff.

Dinah and Renee looked at each other, their eyes saying both “yeah, that’s true” and “We kinda have to fix this” at the same time.

“Why don’t you guys hang out tonight, Dinah can coach you on the matter!” Renee patted Dinah on the shoulder.

“What? Me?” Dinah scoffed.

“Yeah, you, miss Canary - since you have so much unsolicited advice for me, why don’t you get our partner up to speed on what’s going on in the dating world right now. What do you kids use? Tinder? Bubble?”

“It’s Bumble...”

“See?”

“You really don’t need to, I’m fine” Helena had finished packing her back and was on her way to the exit. Dinah swatted Renee’s hand away and gave her what wanted to be a mean look, but came off as only slightly annoyed.

“Come one, Canary” Renee whispered to her “you gotta get her out of her shell. All she does is train and fight. How long do you think that can last before she realised she has no purpose, no family and no friends?”

“We are her friends!”

“Then fucking act like one and help her out!”

Dinah was surprised at Montoya’s sensitivity, but had to admit she was right. Helena was living a new life without much of a direction, and looked like she was just going through the motions. The spark glistening in her eyes while she was carrying out her vendetta was gone.

“Alright” she admitted, and run after Helena, who was already sitting astray her motorbike, ready to put her helmet on.

“Hey, Huntress” she called. She knew Helena preferred to be called by that name, and it worked. “Let's get a drink?” Helena hesitated, so Dinah doubled down. “I never thanked you for getting my car back”

“Sure, ok” Helena gave in, and handed her a spare helmet. “Where to?”

* * *

Helena waited at the table while Dinah got them some drinks. She wasn’t a big drinker and it had become clear pretty soon that she was a lightweight, so Dinah got her a single gin and tonic and an extra tonic mixer. Helena wasn’t an angry drunk, quite the opposite in fact. She was happy and cheerful, which was odd enough, moreover she had a tendency to pick up her motorbike and was very hard to restrain. Dinah wasn’t willing to deal with that on her own.

“Thanks” Helena said, nodding as she accepted the drinks. Whenever she was in a social situation, she looked like she was internally coaching herself on how to behave. Remember to thank. Remember to ask a question. Remember not to make it too personal too soon. Remember to pay compliments back.

“So” Dinah said, sitting in front of her in the booth “How’s life?”

Helena frowned. “You know how my life is, you see me every day.”

“I know but how’s life outside the Birds of Prey. God, the name still sounds ridiculous by the way...”

“Yeah, but Renee wants a squad name, so...” Dinah kept looking at her, sipping on her rum and coke. Waiting for her answer. “I don’t know, I don’t have much going on.” Helena admitted “I ride my motorbike at night, when there’s no traffic. It’s nice.”

“Wait, you don’t sleep?”

“Not much, I... I kinda have these nightmares sometimes, they wake me up and then I go riding. Calms the nerves.”

Dinah wasn’t too surprised about the nightmares, however she was surprised at how easily Helena would share anything, if prompted. She wasn’t particularly closed off or private. She probably was... never asked.

“I am sorry I laughed when Harley stole your car” Helena said, out the blue.

“What? Dude it’s been weeks! Forget about it.”

“You were very upset, so it must have been important. It is still a piece of junk, though.” Helena reiterated.

“I know, I know, it’s just... it was my mom’s car. It has an emotional value.” Dinah took a long sip.

“I understand” Helena replied “I also have a car like that.”

“You mean your toy car?”

“Yeah.”

“That’s not...” Dinah wanted to say that it was nothing like that - for one, she could actually drive her own car - but after a thoughtful moment she realised that they were both holding on to something when they couldn’t hold on to the people they loved. “You know what? I guess you’re right.” she admitted.

Helena smiled and offered her a fist bump.

“That’s not how it works” Dinah laughed.

“Oh” Helena looked disappointed, but shrugged if off. She still didn’t understand these things very well.

“So, let’s talk about your relationship status, girl” Dinah shifted the focus from the car to something she could work with. “You never fancied anyone?”

“I don’t know, I don’t think so.” Helena said “What’s it like?”

“Oh boy...” Dinah tried to collect all her thoughts on the matter. “It’s like when you find people attractive. You’re attracted to them. You went to be close to them. Spend time with them. You think they are beautiful, smart, funny...”

“I think you are” Helena said, very matter of fact “yeah, you’re definitely beautiful, smart and funny.”

“Ok but it’s not just that - thanks, by the way. When you like someone, you feel a little... kinda tension at the bottom of your stomach, like you’re nervous all the time.”

“That’s how I feel constantly.”

“Ok, but this one’s a happy one.” Dinah was growing frustrated.

Helena thought about it, bit she couldn’t quite separate the happy from the non-happy stomach turning just yet.

“I see that this is very important for you, so I will pay attention from now on.” Helena promised, and Dinah found it surprisingly endearing.

“It’s not important for me, it’s important for you!” Dinah continued, finding herself raising her voice.

“Why?”

“Because it sounds like you’ve never been happy!”

“I don’t understand why you care...”

“Because I do, you absolute walnut!” Dinah cried out, and Helena froze for a second. A couple of people stared at them.

“Wow and I thought I had anger issues.” Helena commented offhandedly with a short laugh.

“Ok, fine, ok” Dinah tried to find her composure again. Helena was getting under her skin and she wasn’t sure why. Somehow she thought she was just an awkward human being - which she was - who never had the opportunity to fall in love - which she also was. But she thought she had a least an interest, a yearning, a curiosity. Instead, she just seemed completely oblivious. Dinah needed to start from the basics. “Obviously you’ve never given this much thought, which is fine. Maybe you don’t want to give it much thought either, which is also fine. Not everyone wants a romantic connection.” Dinah paused and saw that Helena was listening intently.

“Please go on. I want to know.” Helena encouraged. She shifted in her seat and rested her forearms on the table. This was gold: she never had the opportunity to have things explained to her in a simple manner, and Dinah seemed to be willing to make time for it.

“Alright” Dinah sighed, slightly relieved. “I want you to pay attention to the people around you. I don’t mean now, I mean in general. How do they make you feel? Do you want to be close to them? Do you want them to touch you? Do you want them to not touch you? Do you feel comfortable around them?”

Helena nodded, making a mental note of her homework.

“I want you to think about a time you felt happy. How was it?”

It took a bit for Helena to conjure the memory, and Dinah felt a sudden heaviness in her heart.

“When I was fourteen, a robin made a nest in a dead olive tree near my house. I used to go there everyday to check on the eggs, and later on the chicks. I built a feeder out of some wood I found laying around, and a small barrier with my arrows the stray cats wouldn’t get to them. A couple of weeks later I watched some the chicks take their first flights. That made me happy.”

Not was Dinah was expecting, that’s for sure, but it filled her with some kind of softness.

“You were happy to watch them fly?”

“I was happy I could protect them.” Suddenly, Helena’s eyes became shiny, and her voice cracked just a little. She frowned and shook her head. “Oh wow, I don’t know what happened there, sorry.”

Dinah touched her hand, and Helena flinched. She instinctively retracted it, but seeing that Dinah wasn’t holding her, or forcing her to stay, she relaxed a bit.

“Hey, it’s ok to feel sad.” she reassured her. “Of course you were happy you protected them the way you couldn’t protect your family.”

Helena’s head perked up in surprise, like Dinah’s words somehow had burned a spot inside her brain. _God she’s so dumb_ , Dinah thought, realising she hadn’t connected the dots herself. And if she couldn’t do that, then she definitely needed some help identifying all her other feelings - that is, those that were not pure rage.The rage she could see it glistening behind her eyes now, quiet yet burning, and her hand suddenly felt trapped under Helena’s finger.

“Helena” she called, softly “It wasn’t your fault. You were just a little girl.”

Helena felt Dinah eyes on her, and tried to avoid them. A futile attempt, she found out, because Dinah gently brought a hand to her chin and pulled her back, making sure she could see that she meant it. “It wasn’t your fault.” She repeated, firmly. Helena felt a burning at the pit of her stomach. Her jaw clenched shut, and she felt a knot in her throat.

“I... I feel sick” she managed to say before running to the restroom.


	3. Panic!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Angst!  
> To paraphrase one of the comments: get this bitch some therapy.

Helena had barely reached the restroom before throwing up. She felt the spasms in her stomach, then acid burning up her throat, and finally let it all out. She retched a couple more times before her body finally stopped contracting, and started shaking instead. Suddenly, she felt cold and weak. Tears streamed down her cheeks, silently, as she inhaled deeply, trying to even her breaths.

“Helena?” she heard from the other side of the door “Are you ok?”

She felt the walls closing around her, and for a second thought she was suffocating. She leant against the door, feeling trapped.

“Yeah, just a second” she replied, her voice not as steady as she hoped.

“Sure, take your time” Dinah replied, and took that chance to check her make up on the mirror. She leaned closer, wiping some stray lipstick from her bottom lip, considering if she should reapply. The sound of a crashed window startled her. She turned and banged on the stall door where Helena was.

“Helena!” she cried out. She kicked the door and the lock gave in easily, but it was too late. Helena was gone.

* * *

“What do you mean you lost her?” Renee seethed.

“I... I don’t know, she went to the restroom and then she was gone. The window was broken.”

“Do you think someone kidnapped her? She’s fucking loaded now.”

“I don’t think so, I think she... I think she run away.”

“Run away? What is she, a goddamn teenager? Hey, just a second - she was talking to Ellen now - we kinda have a situation...”

Ellen stood up and filled her glass with more wine.

“Dinah, for the love of god, you have to find her.”

“I’m not her mom, I can’t ground her!”

Ellen pulled an envelope out of her bag, and slowly opened it, taking out a photograph.

“I knew this was gonna happen! She’s gonna get in trouble.”

“Calm down, Montoya, she’s a fully grown assassin.”

Ellen dropped the picture on the table in front of Renee, who gave it a quick glance. A silence followed.

“Renee?” she heard on the phone.

“I gotta go, sorry.” and hung up.

Dinah had already searched the area around the bar, every alley, even the rooftops. But she knew it was useless: by then, Helena could be anywhere. She had left her motorbike parked outside and both helmets at the bar, which was not like her. Dinah was growing worried by the minute, and Renee was suddenly unreachable.

* * *

“Huntress!” Harley squeaked happily when she saw her crouching in her window frame “You look like... shit.”

Helena stepped in, not entirely stable on her feet, and Cassandra run to her side to keep her up. She remembered her homework and took a mental note of how Harley and Cass made her feel.

“You’re a shrink, right?” she asked as she struggled to reach the sofa.

“Technically I’m not allowed to practice” she grinned.

“Why?”

“No reason. What’s the matter?”

Helena explained what she had felt: the sickness, the shivers, the claustrophobia, the escape. Harley pulled out a pair of thin glasses and looked at her from above the lenses, nodding and taking notes. Well, pretending to take notes on loose papers that, at the end of Huntress explanation, she threw in the air.

“I think you had a panic attack.” It hadn’t been Dr. Quinzel talking, but Cass.

“Um, excuse me, who has a PhD here?” Harley complained.

“Yeah, Cass” Helena admitted “sorry but I don’t think you-”

“No she’s absolutely right” Harley interrupted “you had a textbook panic attack. Full blown.”

“Oh.” Helena frowned, confused.

“Do you think there’s some traumatic events in your past that may trigger it?” Harley asked, then, before she could get and answer, she continued “You should do something to distract yourself! May I suggest blowing up a chemical plant?” Harley leaned back on the sofa and moved her legs up and down in excitement. “Brucie, you’ve never blown up anything with me, do you want to go get some dynamite?” Harley was getting distracted, so Cass sat next to Helena and held her hand.

“I used to get panic attacks all the time” she explained “it happens.”

Helena exhaled, still shaking a little. “So it’s going to happen again?”

“I don’t know, but if it does happen again, here’s what I do” Helena listen carefully to what Cass had to tell her. “First, you need to know it’s happening. You felt sickness, you were shaking, you felt like you were completely out of control.” Helena nodded and added: “It was hard to breathe too” “Ok, try to recognise that is happening to you, and know that it will pass.”

“Ok”

“Ok” Cass continued “Focus on your breathing, try to slow it down. Breathe in for four second, hold for four second, breathe out for four second, hold for four seconds. Do it.”

Helena obeyed, and Cass counted the seconds for her.

“Then, don’t focus on what happened. Think about something else. Distract yourself.”

“That’s what I said” Harley chimed in, emptying her handbag. A gun, five knives and three packets of chewing gum fell out, but sadly no TNT.

“Focus on an object. Hold on to that. It will keep you grounded. Something like your toy car!” Helena nodded: why hadn’t she thought of that? “Then, picture a place where you feel safe. Close your eyes and visualise it.”

“I don’t... I can’t think of any.” Helena admitted.

“Maybe pick one in the next days, then. Don’t wait for the next attack to come, be ready.” Cass smiled, and Helena felt strangely reassured by the teenager.

“That’s solid advice right there” Harley commented “Have you been reading my books?”

“Can Huntress sleep here tonight?” Cass asked.

“No way” Harley replied “Bruce is very territorial, he just got used to you.”

The apartment door slammed open and Dinah rushed in. “Harley, I can’t find Huntress and I don’t know who else I can...” she stopped on her tracks when she saw Helena sitting on the sofa next to Cass, and Harley knee deep in a big trunk, scattering its content all over the floor. Helena stood up, instinctively, eyeing the window for a quick escape. She was too tired tough, and Cass was still holding her hand.

“I’m sorry, Dinah...”

“Helena” Dinah sighted in relief, and run towards her. She grabbed her face in her hands for second, then hugged her as tight as she could. “God, I was so worried.”

Helena froze in place, her arms rigid along her sides. She looked at Harley, unsure. Harley mouthed " _Hug. Back."_ and mimed the act with her arms. Helena then looked at Cass, who nodded. She raised her hands and wrapped them around Dinah’s sides, squeezing gently. She rested her chin on her shoulder, and suddenly her entire body melted into that embrace. Dinah’s hair had sweet scent to it, and reminded her of a peach tree in blossom.

Harley jumped up and down excitedly, then finally saw it. “Uh, there it is!” She said grabbing a dynamite bomb from the bottom of the trunk. “Let’s go blow something up! Great idea, Huntress.”

“I didn’t-” Helena couldn’t finish the sentence, Harley was already out of the apartment.

Dinah finally released her, and wiped a tear from her eye.

“Are you crying?” Cass mocked.

“No! Fuck right off, kid.” Dinah scoffed, but her mascara had run down her right cheek and left a grey strike. She checked herself on a mirror and cleaned it up with her sleeve. “Let’s take you home?” she asked Helena, not quite meeting her eyes.

“Yeah” Helena replied after a short pause. She wasn’t entirely sure she wanted to go home, but she also had no idea what alternatives she had.

“You shouldn’t be alone tonight” Cass said “You should stay with her.”

“I don’t need a baby sitter” Helena sneered, but her voice betrayed her exhaustion.

“Let’s go, I’ll take you to mine.” Dinah decided.

* * *

Dinah flat was old, but charming. The solid wood floor had seen better days, but it had a warm hue to it. The second hand, mismatching furniture had drawers and doors opened to various degrees, and there were clothes scattered on all surfaces. The teal curtains were opened and the window let a breeze come in from the street.

“Has your place been looted?” Helena asked, genuinely concerned.

“No I’m... I’m just a little messy” Dinah replied, slightly offended.

“A little” Helena mumbled.

Suddenly, she felt like her legs couldn’t hold her anymore, and had to find support on a nearby chair.

“Hey, hey” Dinah rushed to her side, and wrapped Helena’s arm around her shoulder “it’s ok, you had a big day. Let’s get you to bed.”

Helena did not enjoyed being talk to like a child, but truly had no energy left to object. They slowly walked to the bedroom, and Dinah helped her sit on the mattress. She kneeled down and started undoing Helena’s boots, and that’s where she drew the line.

“I can take my own boots off!” Helena pulled her foot away and Dinah almost fell back. “I’m sorry” she mumbled, aware her reaction was unfair, and Dinah was just trying to be helpful. “I don’t like to feel like this.”

“Feel how?”

“Like I need help.” Helena had managed to remove her boots and socks, and was now unbuttoning her leather pants.

“I get it” Dinah reassured. She stood back up and opened a drawer that was miraculously still closed, and pulled out some clothes. “Here” she said, throwing them on the mattress next to Helena “They’re clean.” Her eyes lingered for a second too long on Helena’s bare legs, where she noticed a large burn scar and a few fresh cuts. Helena’s “thank you” could barely be heard over the sound of the trash bins being emptied downstairs.

“Let me close this window and make you some tea” Dinah muttered, and left the room before Helena changed into a clean t-shirt. When she came back with a mug of camomile, the Crossbow Killer was already asleep.

* * *

The night had passed without any major issues. Dinah was woken up by a beam on sunlight, and found herself on her sofa with a stiff back and the mark of nachos crumbs on her face. She got up and stretched, looking around to find a nicotine patch to change the one she was wearing.

She was about to make coffee when the sound of shattered glass startled her - again. She run to her room and slammed the door open, ready to jump out of the window to follow Helena’s second escape. To her surprise, Helena was standing in the middle of the room, breathing heavily, a few droplets of blood reddening her knuckles. “Jesus, Helena, what happened?” She let out, seeing the mirror on her wardrobe was shattered, and shards had fallen all over the floor.

“I don’t... I’m sorry” Helena breathed out, her fists still shaking.

“It’s ok, come, let’s-” Dinah offered a hand, but Helena ignored it and stomped to the living room. She dropped on the sofa and held her head on her hands for a moment, before screaming “Fuck!” at the top of her lungs. Dinah felt her heart getting heavy at the sight of her friend looking so powerless.

“What’s happening to me?” Helena whined, her eyes betraying a fear Dinah had never seen, even in the toughest fight they had been in.

“I don’t know” Dinah said, softly “but we’ll find out, ok? You’re going to be fine.”

Before leaving Harley’s place, Cass had briefed her on what was happening to Helena, but this wasn’t exactly a panic attack.

“I just feel so angry all the time” Helena admitted. Dinah just sat on the coffee table in front of her, and listened. “I paid attention to how I feel, like you asked me” Helena continued. “and there’s just... anger.”

“Even with Cass?” Dinah tried, hopeful.

“Yeah” Helena’s jaw tightened, her nostrils flared “I was angry I needed her yesterday. I hate Harley because I can’t never predict what she’s going to do. And you, and Renee...” Helena looked at her with bloodshot eyes, and Dinah wondered what she had possibly done to her. “thinking one day you’ll leave makes me furious.”

Dinah was slightly taken aback by Helena’s words, but she could see how she was struggling. Her anger could not be directed to her family’s assassin’s anymore, and it was spilling over everything and everyone.

“You’re not angry, Helena” Dinah said, sweetly, cupping her face with the palm of her hand “You’re scared.”

“I’m not scared!” she yelled, and swatted her hand away. She rested her fists on her legs, and Dinah remembered her knuckles were bleeding.

“Let me patch you up” she sighed, and went to grab some disinfectant and cotton pads. Helena remained seated, shaking from head to toe, repeating “I’m not scared” under her breath. Dinah cleaned her hand in silence, and with every pang of pain she watched Helena get a bit calmer. She could see her focussing on the burning caused by the rubbing alcohol, she could feel hear breaths getting even.

“Helena” she finally said “can you do something for me?”

Helena nodded in silence.

“I know you’re angry. You have the right to be angry. They did something terrible to you.” A single tear streamed down Helena’s face, as if hearing that made her pain suddenly more vidid, more real. “Anger is all you know, but behind that anger there’s something else, and I want you to have a good look at it, and tell me what it is.”

“I don’t know how” Helena admitted.

“Yes you do. Just... tell me about Cass. Why were you angry when you needed her?”

“Because I don’t want to need other people.”

“We all need other people, Helena.”

She closed her eyes, and took a deep breath. She couldn’t run from Dinah’s words. _You’re scared._

“I’m scared” she said, her voice barely a whisper “I’m scared if I get close to someone, and they leave... I’m scared of how that feels. I’m scared I will be like that 9 year old girl again. So I get angry, because why do people get close when it just hurts so much.”

Dinah grabbed her hand, and felt a tear falling from the side of her eye. She understood. She had lost people too. But most of all, she felt an overwhelming urge to protect the little girl that was hiding behind the assassin.

“You’re right, some people leave” Dinah said “but the time between now and when that happens is so precious. If you’re scared to lose them it’s because they bring something good to you life, and you’re just missing out on it because you’re too scared to let them see you. I know it’s hard.”

Helena squeezed her hand a bit harder, trying to let her words sink, but then the anger came back, her eyebrows came together and her nostrils flared again. Dinah noticed.

“Use your words” she asked, not letting go of her hand “try and tell me what are you feeling.”

“Angry” Helena said again “I feel like I’m weak, and I’m failing at not being angry.”

“There’s no need to be ashamed” Dinah reassured “Anger is familiar to you. It’s normal you still feel it. But I want to you look at that anger, accept it, and move on.”

Helena nodded again, and closed her eyes. Dinah felt a small surge of pride seeing her try so hard.

“You’re doing great” she added, and Helena’s lips curled up in a small smile that bursted into a short laugh. “You’re not weak, you’re vulnerable. And that’s good. It takes a lot of courage to be vulnerable.”

The Black Canary superpower was definitely her voice, because after hearing those words Helena felt all the tension leaving her body, and suddenly she broke into uncontrolled sobs. She felt her chest shaking, her breath became faster, her lips parted and trembled. She wanted to hide her face, but Dinah grabbed it between her hands and pushed their foreheads together.

They remained like that for an eternity - or that’s how Helena felt.When she opened her eyes, she saw Dinah had been crying too. Her eyes were red and her cheeks were marked by the trails her silent tears had left behind.

“Why are you crying?” Helena asked.

Dinah shrugged, and wiped a tear from Helena’s cheek. “It happens when you care.”


	4. At the disco.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A little break from angst: Bop at the club ᕕ( ᐛ )ᕗ ᕕ( ᐕ )ᕗ

Dinah had sent Helena to shower, and was now making some coffee. She could hear some sobbing coming from the bathroom and hoped it was a good thing. Helena had so many years of repressed feelings, they were coming all out with a violence she wasn’t expecting. But she felt it was good progress.

Helena wasn’t the cold-hearted assassin she thought she was. She was a hurt child who didn’t know any better than to hide all her pain behind her anger. They thought she had no feelings, but it turned out she had too many.

Helena reappeared an hour later, dressed in her own clothes.

“I’m sorry I think I used up all the hot water”, she said apologetically. Her eyes were low, trying to avoid Dinah’s. She was slouching a little, and twisting her fingers, unsure of what to do next.

“It’s chill, no worries” Dinah replied.

“I feel stupid” Helena let out under her breath.

“We all have days like that” Dinah replied “I’m not telling anyone, don’t worry.”

Helena shrugged, but Dinah could see her relief. Her phone rang.

“Montoya!” Dinah said, faking some enthusiasm.

“Did you find Huntress?”

“Yeah, she’s with me. She just... she had to run after a guy who tried to steal her bike. Sorry, I overreacted. It’s all good.” She saw the gratefulness in Huntress’ eyes, and gave her a thumbs up.

“Alright, cool” Renee seemed satisfied. “I have something to show you both. Come back to base as soon as you can.”

* * *

Base was a warehouse located behind Helena’s apartment. She had repurposed it as a training room and when the Birds of Prey came to be, she had carved a space to hold meeting, store evidence, and keep surveillance equipment. Renee couldn’t resist and had put up a whiteboard and a cork board, and couldn’t wait to pull out the yarn and map out ideas.

Dinah had taken Helena for tacos and watched her devour eleven: she was glad she had found some appetite. She looked more grounded, and somehow... stronger. Dinah was familiar with how agile and well trained Huntress was, but had never stopped to notice just how strong she looked even when she was at rest. Her muscles shifted under her skin every time she brought a taco to her mouth, reminding how deadly she could be even with sauce dripping down her chin and fingers.

“Took you long enough” Montoya sneered as they walked in.

“I had to stop get some nicotine patches” Dinah shrugged “what’s up?”

Renee threw an envelope on the table, channelling every single cop that has ever graced the big screen. Dinah roller her eyes and picked it up. She pulled out a stack of black and white photos and wondered if she wasn’t in a movie after all.

“What is it?” Huntress asked, picking up one of the photos. It didn’t say much to her.

“What you see is Pedro Ferreira.” Renee explained “He’s the owner a very suspicious laundromat business that invoices thousands of dollars a month. I know about him from a tax evasion case that never went anywhere. This?” She pointed at woman standing on one side, hand behind her back, probably tied. The picture wasn’t clear enough. “Barbara Lopez Cuarón, 29, Mexican. Ellen found her in a shelter for victims of abuse, she had run away. I talked to her yesterday, she’s staying at her place.”

Dinah and Helena were now giving her their full attention.

“These guys are old school: she said she was brought to Gotham via boat. We’re talking full blow human trafficking.”

“What’s the plan?” Dinah asked. Despite a natural dislike for cops, she had to admit that when it came to early stages detective work, Montoya knew what she was doing.

“She’s our only lead for now, but we can start by mapping out Ferreira businesses. Check locations, narrow down which ones are legit and which ones are a front. I have a guy who can give us a database, but it’s going to take a few days."

Helena shifted her weight on her right leg, fists twitching. The anger was back, Dinah thought, and this time more than justified. She watched Helena closed her eyes for what was just slightly too long to be just a blink. She looked thoughtful.

“What do we do in the meantime?” Huntress asked.

“Business as usual, keep your eyes open. This is now our top priority, but we need to be smart. Human cargo doesn’t come in and out of Gotham everyday, and these guys are very careful. We can’t let them know we’re on their tail.”

“What about the woman?” Dinah added.

“She’s too scared to testify. Ferreira’s got ties with ICE and she’s undocumented. She needs to lay low and we can’t draw attention to her.”

Helena scoffed. There wasn’t much they could do right now, so she loaded her crossbow and decided to train for a bit.

“So, Montoya...” Dinah cleared her throat “last night was _not_ a date.” Montoya scrunched her nose, which she did whenever she was caught off guard. “No, clearly it wasn’t.”

“You gotta get over you ex, and get out there.”

Montoya grunted, annoyed, and gestured to let it go. She didn’t insult her, Dinah noticed, which meant there was definitely room for negotiation.

“Let’s go out tonight, get you back in the scene. I’m meeting a friend at the Outpost. Cocktails are cheap, music is good, lots of girls. Come with us.”

“I don’t know, I’m too old for that shit.”

“Excuse me? None of that. You come with me tonight, and I clean up my desk, how about that?”

Montoya gave a good look at Dinah’s desk. Coffee cups. Empty beer cans. A bra. It was getting on her nerves.

“Don’t fuck with me, Lance.”

“I will do it right now if you promise to come.”

Montoya thought about it for a few seconds, then finally said: “Deal.”

“Yes!” Dinah cheered.

“You know who should also come?” Montoya added, and looked over to the other side of the room, where Helena was still training.

“To a gay bar?” Dinah frowned.

“To a gay bar.” Renee confirmed.

The both looked at Huntress roll on the floor and shoot three target in less than two seconds. The faint clicking of the crossbow firing was the only sound in an otherwise completely silent training session. Dinah remembered she was looking at a skilled assassin.

“Tank top, fingerless gloves, combat boots and leather pants... she got the look. The ladies are going to swoon.” Montoya commented.

And yes, Dinah could see that. Helena was a very attractive woman, after all. Hot, even. And she was ripped. If she didn’t know her better, she’d say she had a definite top energy at first sight. Of course that first impression would crumble whenever she open her goddamn mouth. This could be train wreck, but it could also help Helena figure some things out about herself.

“I guess it’s worth trying.” Dinah admitted.

* * *

Dinah had suggested that Helena should wear something more casual than her usual clothes, something that was not built to hold weapons, or they’d never let them in the club. She wasn’t sure what to expect, but when Helena showed up in a white t-shirt and leather jacket she thought that was quite on brand. And definitely not a bad look.

“Is this ok?” she checked with them, and Montoya confirmed: “Oh this is gonna be just fine.”

They walked in and Dinah looked for Guilherme in the crowd. She spotted him at the bar and lead the three of them to him.

“Hello ladies” he smiled, handsome as ever. Dinah checked Helena’s reaction to see if he had any effect on her, but she firmly shook his hand and introduced herself without any particular reaction. They ordered drinks and stood around a tall table not far from the bar. It didn’t take long for a girl to approach Helena.

“Hi” she said, leaning close to her ear “can I get you a drink?”

Montoya pushed her elbow to Dinah side as to say “I told you so.”

“I have a drink” Helena replied confused. Gui, Renee and Dinah all looked at the scene like they were watching a toddler taking its first steps, fall on its butt, and non realising what had happened.

“Then maybe you could get me a drink?” the girl insisted, twirling a strand of hair between her fingers.

“You don’t have money?” Helena asked. Montoya laughed and Dinah rubbed her forehead. Gui just stared at her in awe.

“Fuck off” the girl turned on her heels and left.

“You fuck off” Helena replied, taken aback, then hit the table with a fist.

“Is she the friend with anger issues?” Gui whispered into Dinah ear.

“That she is.”

“She was flirting with you” Montoya explained, patiently. Seeing Helena’s blank stare, she continued: “When you like someone, sometimes you do small things for them, like buying a drink, to show your interest. It’s an excuse to start a conversation.”

Helena felt somehow uneasy, but she wasn’t sure why. “It’s warm in here” she deflected, and took off her leather jacket. Her t-shirt sleeves were sewn in a way they looked permanently rolled up, and Dinah wasn’t expecting her to be wearing thin black braces, which definitely completed the look.

Another girl walked over and started a conversation, but Helena almost immediately said “I don’t like you” and she left. “What? I didn’t want her to waste her time.” she said seeing that her friends were giving her funny looks.

“You can’t just tell people you don’t like them, it’s rude.” Dinah took the lead in explaining some basic social norms this time. Helena puffed, irritated. Seemed like she couldn’t do anything right.

“Next time a girl approaches you, just exchange a few words, see if you have anything in common. It can’t hurt.” Gui proposed. Helena didn’t look too convinced, and Montoya started to regret bringing her along - not because of her poor social skills, but because she was getting all the attention.

“Shall we dance?” Gui asked the three women. Montoya and Helena just gave him and unimpressed look, but Dinah finished her drink and grabbed his hand, more than happy to get on the dance floor.

Music was something Dinah was starting to miss. Working for Sionis sucked, but at least she got to perform on stage most nights. The Birds of Preys were fun, but not particularly inclined towards the arts. Gui came to her life just at the right time: he was funny, kind, and danced like a God. And she didn’t have to worry about him getting the wrong idea when they were dancing together.

Helena watched them get to the dance floor, tune in to the music for a few seconds, and let the rhythm take shape on their body. It started slow: much like engines warming up, they moved their arms side to side, then their hips, their heads. Almost testing the waters before diving. And like water their bodies moved, fluid and elegant, waves rising and braking seamlessly on the sea surface. Gui had a definite latin flair to his dancing - not that Helena could tell, but she noticed they had slightly different styles. Where his movements were quick with little flourishings, Dinah took her time, filling the space around her. She reminded her of a gymnastic ribbon, or a Moebious strip floating into space. She was looking at them transfixed.

Montoya finally had enough and left her with a huff Helena didn’t notice. She went back to the bar for a refill, stayed for the bartender who decided to flirt with her.

“Your angry friend is looking at you.” Gui commented, leaning closer to Dinah.

She looked over and saw Helena’s nostrils flare and her fist balled up on the table, but as soon as their eyes met, she looked down. Dinah worried that she could be having another panic attack, and watched her reach into her pocket and hold something in there. Her little car, she realised. When Helena looked at her again, Dinah smiled and nodded - as to say: good job. Helena smiled back, and pulled her toy out, showing it to her. They held their gaze for a long moment, during which Dinah never stopped dancing and Helena didn’t stop smiling.

Helena snapped out of it when yet another woman approached her. “Hi!” The assassin flinched ever so slightly, which made the woman smile. “You look really nice.” Helena tried her best to remember all the advice she was given, all the social cues she could recollect. Pay compliments back, she reminded herself.

“You look very nice too.” she replied.

“Are you two a thing?” The woman checked, nodding towards Dinah. She clearly didn’t want to waste anyone’s time. Helena frowned, confused.

“No... no we are people.” she clarified. The girl raised her eyebrows, then laughed. Her laugh was gentle and clear, spilling over like fountain water. Helena thought she kinda liked that she made her laugh.

“What are you drinking?” she asked, looking at her glass.

“Tonic water” Helena replied diligently, following Gui’s recommendation.

“Just tonic? You don’t drink alcohol?” she questioned, surprised.

“Not anymore. My friends tell me I do very stupid things when I’m drunk.”

“Same.” The girl looked slightly more at ease “3 years sober.”

Helena didn’t know what that meant, but it sounded like an achievement, so she said: “congratulations” and offered a fist bump. The girl laughed again, and accepted it. Then she finally introduced herself.

“Sydney.”

“Helena.”

“What’s that?” she asked, noticing the toy she was holding.

“Just something to keep me calm.” Helena said with a shrug.

“That’s good, it’s hard to stay grounded in a place like this, huh?”

“Yeah” Helena confirmed “it is.”

This is easier than I expected - Helena thought - as they kept chatting. Sydney managed to put her at ease, somehow. She was surgeon at the Gotham General Hospital and liked boxing and playing pool in her spare time. She was originally from a small town in New Jersey and had moved to the big city to study. She never left.

“I just moved here” Helena explained.

“Really? How are you finding it?”

Helena shrugged, unsure. “It’s big.”

“I remember how it is. No friends, no support system, no routine. Gotta figure it out all over again, right?”

“Yeah” Helena smiled: Sydney kinda got her. “I have a couple of friends though. They have been helping me out a lot.”

She looked over to Dinah again for a long moment. Sydney saw some softness in her eyes, and watched her close her fist around the toy. She picked a napkin from the pile in front of her, and wrote something on it. “Here’s my number” she said as she slipped it over “Call me if you want to hang out.” Helena took the napkin, taken aback for a second, but then thought talking to her again sounded nice. “Oh, ok. Sure.”

Dinah watched the scene and felt something stirring inside. She had never seen anyone hold a conversation with Huntress for so long without getting punched, let alone make her smile. She told herself this was a good thing, and maybe Montoya was right: Helena may be playing for her team after all.

“Now you’re looking at your angry friend” Gui noticed.

“I’m just worried. She’s not great as social interactions, as you probably saw.”

“Looks like she’s doing just fine. Just needed a couple of pointers.”

“Well I guess I’m just a bit... protective.”

“What a good friend you are, Dinah Lance” he said, and she did not like the inflection in his voice one bit.


	5. Crash therapy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Helena goes on a date.  
> Dinah and Renee have a small disagreement.  
> Harley is a psychiatrist after all.

“You got a date.” Dinah said, the pitch of her voice only a little that she would have liked.

“It’s not a date” Helena shrugged “We’re just hanging out.”

“Oh yeah? Where are you going?” Montoya asked.

“The pier funfair?” Helena replied with a hint of uncertainty in her voice.

“That’s definitely a date” Montoya confirmed “good job!”

* * *

The funfair was crowded and noisy and Helena did not like that very much. She was feeling tense and ready to react to the minimum threat. Which was none - but she was ready. Sydney looked pretty relaxed - a bit too much if you ask Helena.

“Want to get on that ride?” she proposed. It was a pendulum ride that would shake them around for a few minutes. Helena wasn’t particularly against any ride, so she nodded and they queued to get in.

“I never caught your job.” Sydney asked.

“Private detective” Helena replied, a bit too fast. She had been instructed by Montoya on how to reply to questions that could be... uncomfortable.

“I see... There’s a few of you around town” Gotham had enough crime for everybody, after all.

“I guess.”

“For a detective, I have to say you don’t ask a lot of questions”

“I...” Helena settled for the truth “I’m just not very good at social interactions.”

They turn came pretty quickly and they sat on the ride. “Oh my god I’m kinda regretting choosing this one” Sydney said, nervously, as the metal arm lifted them in the air. “it’s a bit scary.” She grabbed Helena’s hand, who looked down at it, unsure. She let her keep it there, and patted it with her other hand. After a minute that Sydney thought lasted half hour, their cabin was released and swung, quickly gaining speed. Sydney screamed, both terrified and delighted.

Helena didn’t react, she didn’t understand all the fuss. The feeling of falling was pretty familiar to her, and she had flown into walls at a higher speed. She just felt very confused. The metal arm spin them a few times in the air and moved back to their original position, then repeated the motion again and again.

“That was fun” Helena said, when the got off. Sydney was wobbling a little on her legs, feeling her head spinning.

“You're a terrible liar.” she stated, but didn’t seem to mind too much. They walked around some more and got some sugar floss.

“Can you shoot?” Sydney asked, pointing at a target stall.

“Can I shoot?” Helena asked back, as if the answer was obvious. Then realised Sydney didn’t know she was the Huntress. “Yeah, I can shoot.”

“Show me then.”

Helena walked up to the stall and asked for one of the air guns. The stall consisted of 24 small targets arranged in four rows.

“Five shots for a dollar” the guy said, so she gave him five dollars.

The air gun was much lighter than her crossbow, and the handle a bit too small. She shot her first shot and missed the top left target by an inch. She clenched her jaw, anger bubbling up from her stomach and reaching her eyes, that narrowed just enough for her to feel more centred. She adjusted her weight and her grip, then, at a speed of three shots per second, hit every single target on the wall.

“There, you fucking assholes!” She screamed, and when the first target popped back up, she threw the airgun against it. The stall owned looked at her, his mouth gaping. Sydney stared with a hint of fear in her eyes.

“What?” Helena asked. Sydney shifted uncomfortable, and didn’t say anything.

“I’ll give you $50 dollar if you never come back.” The stall owner said, handing her a massive teddy bear.

The two women walked away in awkward silence. Sydney finally broke it and said: So have you ever like... killed anyone?” she tried to sound casual, almost joking.

The Huntress replied “Oh yeah” with a hint of pride, but seeing the look in Sydney’s eyes she added: “Only bad guys.”

Sydney wasn’t expecting a positive answer, and she sure didn’t anticipate Helena being so nonchalant about it. She stopped, and after a thoughtful moment she said: “I don’ think this is going to work.” She almost touched Helena’s arm, but decided otherwise.

“This _what_ is not going to work?” Helena yelled, confused, holding a giant teddy bear and watching her walk away.

* * *

When Helena walked into base holding an oversized stuffed animal, Montoya knew exactly what had happened. Dinah, on the other hand, imagined that the only way to carrying it there was to sat it on her bike pillion seat, and found that adorable.

“Let me guess: you shot too fast and the lady got scared” Renee commented.

Helena placed the bear on a chair, and confirmed: “Yeah, what’s up with that?”

“Ask me again why I always end up with my ex... not everybody can take what we do.” Montoya mumbled offhandedly.

“I think it’s better you found out right away” Dinah commented “before things got serious.”

Helena wanted to ask what she meant by “serious”, but Montoya was already arguing “or maybe she can try and keep the fact that she’s a trained assassin for herself. Wouldn’t hurt us either.”

“Not with someone she’s in a relationship with!” Dinah argued back.

“Sometimes you gotta hide some stuff for their own good” Montoya was getting irritated.

“She deserves someone who knows every part of her and accepts her the way she is” Dinah raised her voice.

“She’s gonna put them in danger!” Montoya yelled.

“She’s-” Dinah was interrupted by the sound of the door slamming. Helena had walked out.

Montoya breathed out of her nose, try to keep her cool. “What is up with you, Lance?” The volume of her voice had gone back to normal.

“I... I just think Helena shouldn’t have to hide herself.”

“I think you have your own agenda.” Renee insinuated.

“What do you mean?”

“Listen up, Canary: either you go for it, or you don’t. But don’t try and sabotage her dates, your advice is gonna end up getting her killed.”

* * *

Helena strutted down the alley as if she had somewhere to be. Which she didn’t, and it made her mad. She kicked a metal trashcan, sending food leftovers and empty takeout boxes agains the wall. A rat run away.

“Are mommy and daddy fighting again?” a mocking voice from above made her stop in her tracks. She looked up and saw Harley hanging upside down from a streetlamp.“Poor little Huntress, caught in the crossfire!”

“What do you want?” Helena scoffed. It was not a good time to make fun of her: she was already on the brink of beating someone up. Harley vaulted down and landed, bowing as gracefully as she could. “I’m just here to help.”

Harley took a step closer, then, unprompted, slid and kicked Helena’s foot, making her land on her butt. “Did you like that? It’s called a rasteira, I’ve been taking Capoeira classes - It’s fun, you should try it!” Helena immediately reached for her crossbow, but couldn’t find it.“Oh are you looking for that?” Harley pointed at Cassandra, sitting on a broken window frame behind her, holding the weapon. She gave Helena a little wave, which made her even more angry.

She rolled and stood up, simultaneously kicking Harley in the face. Harley smiled, a trickle of blood falling from her lip. It was on. Helena let out a scream and charged forward, but Harley jumped and grabbed a metal rod sticking out of a wall, did a flip, and tried to land on Helena’s head, failing.

“Aren’t you tired of doing everything for everybody else?” Harley asked, landing a kick on Helena’s chest. With a grunt that turned into a growl, Helena struck back, punching Harley three times on her stomach.

“Not very talkative are you?” Harley commented, avoiding a flying kick.

“Give me my crossbow back!” Helena yelled. She didn’t know nor care why Harley wanted it, she would not give that up.

“Why don’t you stop playing the victim and start taking charge, you poor little angel of vengeance.” Harley commented, cartwheeling away from Helena’s high-kick. “You don’t know what you want, or who you are” she continue as her backflip landed directly on Helena’s chin, lifting her from the ground with a loud thud.

“You do things because other people tell you to.” Harley continued, towering over her “Montoya, Black Canary... you even do thing for people who are already dead, like ‘avenging your family’ and shit.”

Helena didn’t appreciate the mocking tone, and tried to stand up with a last burst of energy, but Harley kicked her down again.

“What do you want, Hunstress?” she repeated, holding her boot on Helena’s chest “What’s your right and wrong? You spent your life fulfilling your vendetta fantasy, and never stopped to ask yourself: what happens when this all ends? And now what? You’re just looking for another person to tell you what to do?”

“I don’t-”

“I know you don’t know” Harley didn’t let her speak “but what are you doing to find out?”

Helena wanted to reply, but wasn’t sure how. Harley’s question left her speechless: what did she want? She felt her chest being release and propped herself up on her elbows. Harley squatted down, looking at her in the eyes.

“How long did it take you before you could shoot three arrows a second and hit all targets?” she asked.

“Seven years” Helena replied, confused.

“And how many times did you fail?”

Huntress scoffed: they were countless.

“Listen to me, sweetbum” Harley’s tone turned cheerful “You gotta find out what you want, then put the same discipline into that goal. People come and go. They leave, they die. You can’t control that. What you can control is yourself. Why are you mad I took your crossbow?”

“Cause it’s mine!” Huntress replied, indignant.

“Are you still Huntress without it?” Harley stood up “Are you still you without your anger?”

Helena struggle to stand up, feeling more confused than ever. Was she even still angry?

Harley smiled wide then did half a pirouette: “I will send you the bill in the next couple of days!” she said, walking away. Cass threw the crossbow back at Huntress and run, leaving her standing alone in an empty alley.

* * *

Harley’s words had left a mark.

_“What do you want?”_

Redemption? A house in the suburbs? To disappear and never come back? To go where? There was no place on earth where she could escape herself.

_“Who are you?”_

I am the heir of the Bertinelli family, I am an assassin, I am a Bird of Prey. _But what are you without you family, without your victims, without your friends_ \- the voice seemed to insist. Are you kind? Are you honest? Or are you a villain?

_“Are you still Huntress without your crossbow?”_

I am! I am Huntress! Am I? Am I still Huntress without carrying out my revenge? What makes Huntress? And if I were just Helena, would that be enough?

_“Are you still you without your anger?”_

If I stop - God if I stop being angry - will my father forgive me? Will that mean I forgot their massacre? Why did I deserve to survive, if not to avenge them? How can I move on, how can I deserve happiness, when they’re all gone!

Helena rushed inside her apartment, feeling her chest tightening. She scrambled to find her toy car, and held on to it for dear life.

“One, two, three, four.” she counted, breathing in.

The walls appeared closer, she tightened her grip around the toy.

“One, two, three, four.” she counted, holding her breath.

She leaded over the table, sweat running down her forehead.

“One, two, three, four.” she counted, breathing out.

The metal body of the little car dug a small cavity in her palm.

“One, two, three, four.” she counted, again.

She felt a sharp pain in her hand, and she instinctively opened her hand and let the toy go. Suddenly her brain cleared up. She looked down and saw she a drop of blood on her skin, round and almost solid, like morning dew on a leaf.

The room felt less claustrophobic, her chest lighter.

She licked the blood form her hand and saw the prick had already closed, so she just took a shower and went to bed, hoping for a dreamless night.

* * *

The next day, Helena found a manila envelope on her desk. She opened it to find what looked like a report, and an invoice for the ridiculous sum of $12,450, payable to Dr. Harleen Quinzel.

“What’s that?” Dinah asked, watching her trying to read it.

“I don’t know, I can’t understand anything” Helena scoffed, throwing the papers on the desk.

“Can I?” Canary asked, curious to see what it was about. Helena nodded.

**_Dr. Harleen Quinzel, PhD._ **

**_Analysis of PTSD and long term survivor guilt: a case study._ **

_Patient H. has been showing responses connected to early development trauma, that have led to a reduced sense of self and a full identification with an external “mission”._

“No big news so far” Dinah thought, glancing up at Helena for a second.

_The subject has a particular heightened sensitivity, but prefers mindless violence as a way to cope with feelings that would be otherwise overwhelming. Sense of powerlessness, lack of control, and unfamiliar emotional events all express themselves exclusively through anger._

_She displays all the traits of panic disorder, and without proper retraining, any instance that makes her relive her trauma will most likely lead to an acute episode._

Dinah remembered mentioning Helena’s family and how that lead to a panic attack, and felt a little guilty.

_The subject relates to other people only by virtue of convenience and opportunity. This dynamic is not - as one could expect - for the convenience of the subject, but rather the people she wishes to establish a connection with. It can be speculated she is so emotional illiterate she has no other way to show a desire for love, care and safety. More specifically, she has no goals of her own: she rather identifies with other people’s needs, and is therefore easily manipulated and taken advantage of._

“I’m gonna need you to keep an eye on this location” she heard Montoya say “I want to know who goes in and who goes out.”

“No problem.” Helena replied.

_It is unsurprising, then, to observe that the subject’s main language of love is_ acts of services.

“I got you some nicotine patches on the way” Helena said, throwing a couple of boxes on the table. “I noticed you were low.”

“Thanks” Dinah replied, surprised.

_It is also easy to observe the subject is very, very attractive, like_ extremely _hot, as whoever is reading this has probably already noticed ;)_

The report went on for a couple more pages, but Dinah decided she had had enough. She felt her cheeks heat a little, and cursed Harley Quinn under her breath.

“So?” Helena asked.

“Absolute nonsense.” Dinah confirmed.


	6. Like an old olive tree.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I couldn't slow the burn anymore!  
> Also as I'm reading more fanfics it seems like we all thought about the BoP taking down an human trafficking ring and you know what that's ok.  
> TW: self-harm  
> If you would like to leave a prompt, message me on https://das-gay.tumblr.com/

It took two weeks before they got any decent intel on the trafficking ring. They had visited every single laundromat belonging to Ferreira, and Montoya was sure she had found the one they were using a base. It was situated on a street right behind the Gotham pier, and was manned 24 hours a day. It was not in a residential area and there were no other shops around it.

Renee had got two adjacent rooms in a motel right in front of laundromat: one for sleeping and one for surveillance. They were taking 8 hours staggered shifts so there could always be 2 people on duty while the other one could rest. They were on their second day and they were already tired and bored out their goddamn mind.

“Hey, look” Montoya pointed at a guy walking in the laundromat across the road. “another guy going in with no laundry whatsoever. Now there’s five of them in there.”

The added it to their log book, and kept watching.

Helena showed up at 10pm sharp. She was never early, but at least Montoya could count on her not to be late. Renee moved to the room next door to sleep, and Helena sat on the chair next to the window, in front of Dinah.

“Welcome back, Huntress” she greeted “Did you get some sleep?”

Helena shrugged: “No, but I got you some Indian food.”

“Hell yeah,” Dinah said “I’m starving!”

Helena watched her dig out the take away boxes like a child opening Christmas present, and felt the familiar twist in her stomach. She moved past it, and payed attention to what laid behind. And there it was, a small, secret joy, a warmth that turned the tension in her stomach into excitement.

“Why are you smiling?” Dinah asked, mouth full of rice.

Helena hadn’t realise she was, and her face immediately turned more serious “You got... some curry on your nose.” she lied.

“Oh” Dinah rubbed the back of her hand on her nose, but not finding any sauce, she just shrugged and went back to inhaling her food. Helena had come to know when Dinah was hungry, tired or anxious, and had learned how to mitigate those with small gestures. Each time she managed to, the warmth came back.

“Oh shit” Dinah pointed outside the window “They are moving. Let’s go.”

Dinah went to get Montoya, who was sleeping in her work clothes. She was ready in a matter of seconds. They caught up with Huntress, who had seen which warehouse the men had entered, and guided them there. She had climbed up a broken window, and from there signalled the warehouse was clear. They entered and crossed the room in silence, until they heard some voices at the other end.

“What time will they be here?” one of the men asked.

“Any minute now” another confirmed.

“We gotta be sure they have human cargo” Renee whispered “before we do anything.”

Dinah and Helena nodded, then separated. Huntress climbed up over a metal pylon to have a better shot, Canary snuck on the left and hid behind some pallets. From her vantage point, Huntress could see her move like a cat, silent and deadly.

“I heard something.” One of the men said, turning back.

Huntress raised her crossbow, ready to shoot, but Canary shook her head, signalling to wait.

“It’s just a rat” another guy scoffed.

“They’re here” a third men finally said, watching the metal gate open.

Seven more men walked in, that made twelve in total. Still quite manageable, Montoya thought. Behind them, at least twenty five men and women were pushed forward but another four men holding semiautomatic rifles.

“Shit” Montoya whispered. The odds were not in their favour, but they had the surprise factor. They just had to make sure no innocent was shot, and that was going to be hard.

Huntress knew what she needed to do. At Renee signal, four silent arrows reached the four guys with rifles to their throat. They had no time to raise their weapons, and fell to the ground with a little more that a suffocated grunt. Dinah lounged forward and took out two more guys, while Renee started shooting her gun from the back.

The had managed to created enough confusion for the Canary to reach the prisoners. “This way” she shouted, and those who could hear her over the gunfire followed her to a relatively safe spot behind some crates. She went back to get more of them, when someone grabbed her from behind and lifted her from the ground. Montoya was moving forward, taking out a few of the men, but she soon run out of bullet and resorted to her favourite weapon: her fists.

The fight was getting ugly. Huntress jumped down and shoot the man holding Canary on his kneecap, allowing her to free herself. The Canary locked his arms around hers and, with a backflip, threw him against a wall.

One last guy charged Huntress, she easily avoided his blow. He took out a knife. Dinah saw it. The guy wasn’t too fast and she knew Huntress had seen it too. She watched her while holding another guy down, ready to enjoy her taking him down.

But something was off.

Huntress’ eyes looked blank for a split second: she hesitated just a moment too long, and suddenly the knife was in her stomach.

“No!” Dinah screamed. She cracked the guy’s neck, killing him instantly, and run to her. Renee sprinted and took the guy down with her knuckle duster, then managed handcuff him. The fight was over. They had won.

“Helena” Dinah called. Huntress was still standing, her vest ripped and some blood spilling out from her side.

“It’s just a scratch” she reassured “thanks for having my back, though” she told Renee.

“That’s not like you, Huntress” Montoya objected, but they were interrupted by the prisoners coming out from their hiding, now that it was safe. They needed to figure out what to do with them. “I’ll call some of my guys at the police department” she said “You go patch her up, ok?”

* * *

Dinah and Huntress went back to base, where they had some surgical equipment.

“It’s good we left enough of them alive for the police to interrogate, huh?” Helena said as Dinah helped her sit on the table. She didn’t get an answer, but she earned a look she didn’t quite know how to interpret.

“I’m gonna have to cut your vest.”

“It’s ok, it’s already ripped.”

Dinah sat on a chair and cleaned the wound, her hand pressing down a bit harder then necessary, making Helena flinch a couple of times. Then, she stitched her up in silence. The wound was just an inch wide and she managed to cover it with a large plaster. When she was done, she rested her hands on Helena’s sides, and finally looked up. Her eyes were shiny and full of anger, her head shaking lightly.

The door slammed open behind her and she immediately let go.

“What the fuck happened over there, Bertinelli?” Montoya seethed.

“It’s just a scratch, I told you.”

“I know what you’re doing, and let me tell you: not on my fucking watch!” she paced the floor up and down a couple of times “If that guy had been any faster he could have killed you!”

Dinah was also upset, but thought Renee reaction was excessive. Helena didn’t say anything, so Montoya continued.

“I saw the look in your eyes. I saw your arm moving up and then stopping. You let him stab you.”

“I’m sorry.” Helena whispered, almost inaudible.

“Is it true?” Dinah asked, in a state of half shock, but Helena didn’t reply.

“I know you’re having a tough time, but that’s not the answer, Helena. You’re going to put us all in danger.”

“I know, I know. You need me on my A-game” she mumbled, repeating some words form Renee’s motivational speeches. “I’m sorry.”

Renee’s face softened, and she stepped closer to Helena. “It’s not about us, it’s for _yourself_.”

Dinah watched the scene and felt tears forming on her eyes again. It was worse than she had expected. It was not an accident, a distraction. Helena was self-harming and she hadn’t noticed.

“Listen to me, kiddo” Renee continue “You’re important. You matter. Not just to me, or the fucking Birds of Prey. You deserve to live, and you deserve to be happy. Don’t let a couple of bad days fuck everything up, alright?”

Helena showed no reaction, and after a long pause Renee let out a long sigh.

“Lance, can you take her home?” her tone was dry “Let’s all take a couple of days off.”

* * *

Dinah had escorted Helena to her flat in silence. She poured herself a glass of water and drank it without a word. She checked the street was safe and closed the blinds, then headed towards the exit.

“Dinah” Helena called.

She stopped, and swallowed back the tears that she felt coming up again.

“What?” she tried to sound casual, but her voice was coarse.

“Are you mad?” Helena didn’t like when Dinah was upset.

“I don’t... I don’t know” Dinah managed to string together, confused. Was she angry? Worried? Was she scared? “Maybe.” She turned. “What’s going on, Helena?”

“It’s just...” Helena looked carefully for the right words, but none of them seemed to qualify. So she just said some that may be wrong. “Sometimes it’s too much. When I look behind the anger, I just feel like everything is falling apart. The pain helps me snap out of it. I guess it was easier before. ”

“Before what?”

“Before you taught me to, you know... feel things.”

Dinah felt the ground swaying below her feet. She blinked, slowly, trying to find her balance. She took a few steps towards her, until they were standing one in front of each other. She realised she had not been there enough for her. She didn’t know what to say, so she just said the obvious.

“I don’t want you to hurt yourself.” she stated, simply.

“I-”

“I don’t want you to hurt” She repeated, a little louder “and I don’t want you to die, Helena - she grabbed her hands and kissed them gently - please, don’t leave me.”

Helena felt. A lot. Dinah lips on her knuckles sent a shiver down her entire body. Her chest, once dead and hollow, had turned into a nest.

“I know it’s overwhelming, and it’s going to take time before you’ll learn how to manage the feelings. But you have to work on it, you can’t just take a shortcut. ”

Helena nodded, and felt like a child who just scrapped her knee, and was being comforted and reprimanded at the same time. She was grateful for Dinah’s patience, for the way she seemed to care so deeply when no one else did.

“The tension... is happy now.”

“Excuse me, what?” Dinah wasn’t sure she understood.

“You said the tension in my stomach would become a happy one. I didn’t know what it meant then, but I now now. It’s different.”

Dinah wasn’t sure how to reply. Her heart started pounding into her chest, in her throat. She felt her stomach flutter and her skin heat up.

“I just wanted to let you know” Helena concluded “That I’m making progress.”

Dinah smiled, and took a deep breath. “Right” she finally said “That’s... that’s great! Progress is great.”

Helena felt the small, secret joy again. Only it wasn’t that small this time, and she was smiling from ear to ear. “Thank you. For caring.” she said, and brought Dinah’s hands to her lips, laying a small peck on them. “I guess that’s a thing that friends do, right?”

It wasn’t. Maybe. But not her. Not Dinah. Dinah Lance didn’t go around softly kissing her friends knuckles.

“Not really” she breathed out.

The realisation stirred something deep within her. She couldn’t take her eyes off Helena’s: there was a spark in them, she thought, something she hadn’t seen in a while, and an eagerness to do humanity right even though she still had no idea how.

She leaned closer. Helena didn’t step back, but her smile relaxed into parted lips. Her eyes filled with a curious confusion. She didn’t know what was going on, but she was willing to find out.

Dinah smiled nervously, only now registering how close they were. She could feel Helena’s breath on her skin, warm, delicate. Slowly, leaving plenty of time to stop her, she closed the gap between them, laying the gentlest kiss she had ever given in her entire life.

Soon, she felt Helena’s breath hitch, and her hands starting to shake.

“Hey” Dinah stepped back “Are you ok?”

Helena nodded, her eyebrows coming together in a frown that made her look something between worried and scared. “It’s just... a lot.”

Dinah smiled again - if her smile had a hint bitterness to it, she couldn’t help it - and let her hands finally go. Helena pulled out her toy car from her pocket, and tapped on the hood to count four second for each phase of her breathing. She thought about a peach tree in bloom, and could almost feel its scent.

Dinah gave her all the time she needed.

“Want to talk about it?” she encouraged once Helena seemed to have found a steady breathing pattern.

“My mind went blank” she said, simply. “you kissed me and for a moment there were no thoughts left. That’s not something I can afford.”

Dinah couldn’t help a smile, but also felt sorry for Helena.

“You’re safe here” she reassured “your can let your mind go blank sometimes.”

Helena’s scoff, as if the simple idea was ridiculous.

“I’m serious” Dinah continued.

“It’s hard” Helena admitted “my body just reacts to it, I can’t control it.”

“Was... was that ok for you though?” Dinah checked, after a thoughtful moment.

“What?”

“That I kissed you.”

Helena stood in silence, and looked for words that could explain how she felt. To do that, first she needed to understand how she felt. Dinah held her breath for the longest ten seconds of her life.

“I’ve never wanted to be close to someone. I’ve never really knew what I wanted at all. But with you... I feel this sadness when you’re not around. I walk, and eat, and sleep, but I think about doing those things with you. And I know it doesn’t make sense, because sometimes you are there, but it’s like you’re not there _enough_. We eat in the same room, but we are not eating _together_ , and it is so strange to me that I feel those are not the same thing. But when you kissed me, that went away. And I felt you were there for me, and nothing else. And the sadness wasn’t there anymore.”

For someone who knew nothing about feelings, Helena had managed to explain love in the softest possible way. It was her way to say: I want there to be an _us_ , and I need to know you feel the same.

“Are you crying?” Helena asked.

Dinah sniffed, slightly embarrassed, and wiped a tear from her cheek.“No, no I’m not crying, that’d be ridiculous.”

“Ok but it really looks like you’re crying.”

“Shut up!” Dinah laughed, and punched her lightly on the chest.

The stood in front of each other, a sense of calmness finally dawning on them.

“Shall we try again?”

“This time you lead.”

Helena stepped back into Dinah personal space, but wasn’t entirely sure on how to start, so Dinah took her hands and lead them to her hips. Helena felt her mind go blank again, so she closed her eyes and took a deep breath.

“I’m here. You’re safe.” Dinah whispered.

Helena finally leaned down and pressed their lips together. For a moment, the world became quiet, like diving underwater. Light and sounds bent, gravity flipped upside down. She almost gasped for air when they parted, and a shaky breath left her mouth. She didn’t move away: instead, she kept the tips of their noses gently pressed together, trying to find a balance between staying as close as possible while keeping her sanity.

“It’s ok” Dinah said “Baby steps.”

The first thing those words provoked in Helena was anger. Why couldn’t she just do it? Everybody else could. Why did it have to be so hard for her? But then, something new happened.

She felt tired.

Tired of being angry, of being alone. And just like that, the anger left space for determination. Harley was right: she was just a nine year old learning something for the first time. And as the anger faded, she discovered safety, gratitude, and a little bit of happiness. The ghost of Dinah’s lips on hers reminded her how soft and electric they were, and realised it was pleasure that she felt. And wanted to feel it again.

 _This is want I want_ \- she thought, bringing a hand to Dinah’s nape and pulling her back. She could feel her surprise when they kissed again, but it only lasted a moment. Dinah moved her hands up her arms and held on to them, but couldn’t tell who between them needed it to keep balance.

“You’re here” Helena said, almost to herself when they parted “and I’m safe.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright folks that's almost all I got for now - shall I continue the story? Leave a comment to power a little motivation!
> 
> If you would like to leave a prompt, message me on https://das-gay.tumblr.com/


	7. Turning tables

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Helena looks for therapy and a moral compass.  
> Harley gets a job.  
> Montoya needs a coffee.  
> Dinah asks Gui for advice.

As her hands rested on Helena’s arm, Dinah thought it was quite ironic she was the one making the other feel safe. Under her fingers, Helena’s muscles felt solid and alive, and she had to keep herself from letting out a little excited squeal when she was pulled into that kiss. She had melted into it like cheese on Harley’s egg sandwich.

“There’s something I have to tell you.” Dinah said, and Helena turned serious, fully paying attention. “You are _incredibly_ hot and I’m having a really hard time keeping my hands for myself.”

“Oh” is all Helena could say.

“But you’re freshly stabbed and also probably not ready so how about I go take a cold shower and then we can debrief?”

Before she could even reply, Dinah had run to the bathroom and locked herself in.

_Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck._

Her brain was whirring like an overheated computer. She turned the shower on, then looked at herself in the mirror. She pointed a finger at her reflection and gave herself a dirty look: “You need to keep it together, Dinah Laurel Lance” she told herself “yes, she’s got rock hard abs and could lift you with one arm, but you can keep your cool. She may be beautiful and strong, and... very thoughtful, and also kinda cute especially when she shows how vulnerable she can be, and she tries so hard to be a better person and Jesus Christ you got it so bad!”

She cursed herself and stomped her feet.

The truth is, Dinah Lance was more of one night stand kinda gal. A casual sex sort of person. A benefits without friends type of chick. But this was the exact opposite. Helena Bertinelli had snuck past all her walls and she’d only noticed when it was too late.

She had become Helena’s confidant and had watched her layers of anger slowly peel away, only to reveal a generous and brave soul. Dinah thought she would have never had the strength to go through what Helena had endured.

But despite all appearances, Helena was her rock.

She was a weirdly calming presence in her life. With her little gestures, razor-sharp reflexes and inability to use or understand sarcasm, she made her feel both looked after and safe, without asking anything in return. Not that Dinah needed to be protected, or taken care of. She was a “strong, independent woman who don’t need no one”, she often told herself, yet if felt so comforting knowing she could be. Plus, Helena genuinely seemed to like her company, while Dinah was used to be looked at and consumed like entertainment.

Helena made her feel seen, and that scared her.

* * *

In the other room, Helena was strangely calm.

For the first time in her entire life, she knew how it felt to want something for herself. Not for her family, not for her mentors, not for a teenage thief who stole a diamond.

 _This is what I want_ \- a voice in her head had said, and Helena had understood it wasn’t Dinah. Yes she wanted her, but more specifically she wanted to hold on to the way she made her feel. Because God, she felt good.

Dinah felt like coming home after school and finding a freshly baked lemon pie cooling off on the windowsill. She was the tender belly of her first dog, the scent of a new whiteboard marker, the breeze on the Mediterranean sea on hot summer night.

 _Do you have the right to want something?_ Another voice asked.

It was the first time the voice had taken shape. Up until then, it was a background noise - so omnipresent she had stopped noticing it. But now, chased out of its den, the voice had crawled into the light, unwilling to disappear.

Helena closed her eyes. She could almost see the voice, and realised it wasn’t her own any more. She summoned an imaginary Harley Quinn, and, with a giant mallet, she had her smash the voice into pieces.“Shut the fuck up, loser!” Harley sneered, and after a flourished salute, she backflipped out of her thoughts.

* * *

When she came out of the shower, Dinah found a change of clothes waiting for her on a chair, and a glass of water on top of the cabinet nearby. She went back to the room and found Helena sitting on her bed, facing away from her.

“Are you ok?” She checked.

“Yeah” Helena replied “I just feel bad for Montoya. I kinda ruined our victory tonight.”

“We can make it up to her, take her out for sushi or something.”

Dinah sat next to her, and the two shared a look.

“God I’m so tired” Helena admitted.

“Me too” Dinah echoed. They had just taken down a human trafficking ring after all.

“Should we...” Helena tentatively pointed at the bed.

“I you want to-”

“I mean I wouldn’t mind-”

“I can go to the other-”

They talked over each other for a few seconds, then both laughed awkwardly.

“Please stay” Helena finally said. Her voice sounded calm and resolute, something Dinah was not expecting.

“Ok” she replied.

They drank the some camomile Helena had prepared, in silence, taking fleeting glances at each other, too tired to talk, but not quite ready to sleep. Finally, Helena turned the light off and carefully adjusted herself to a position compatible with her stab wound. She felt Dinah’s lips briefly on her cheek, and slender fingers intertwining with her own.

“Goodnight, Huntress.” she heard.

“Helena.” she corrected.

“Goodnight, Helena.”

* * *

When Helena opened her eyes, she did so slowly, letting them adapt to the light filtering through the curtains. It was a new feeling. She was used to waking up in sweats in the middle of the night, eyes wide open and fist clenched on her bedsheets. It wasn’t unusual for her to jump out of bed and take a few steps in the dark before realising she had been dreaming. She had seen so many sunrises, yet enjoyed none.

She propped herself up, and a sharp pain on her side reminded her she was still slightly injured.

She revelled for a moment in the feeling of being completely rested. Her eye sockets didn’t hurt, her head was clear, and the inside of her cheek wasn’t numb from her mindless night-biting she had inflicted on herself since she was a kid.

She turned to look at the woman next to her.

Dinah was laying on her side, facing her: it looked like she hadn’t moved an inch during the entire night, and was still in deep slumber. Helena took her time exploring her features. The golden rings on her fingers, the beads in her hair. Then her braids, the curve of her ear. She couldn’t help reaching for a strand of hair trapped between her lips, and for a moment she feared she had woken her up. Dinah hummed softly, her eyelashes quivering only just. But she didn’t wake up.

Helena knew then there was something she needed to do.

* * *

The thud a roll of banknotes on a hard surface was something Harley could recognise even in the haze of raging hangover.

“Oh my lord, what do we have here?” she asked to no one in particular, peeling her eyes open with a tremendous effort. Her face couldn’t decide whether it was happiness or despair she was feeling, and Helena watched her going through a few emotions before she finally propped herself up from the sofa where she had crashed the night before.

Once her eyes finally focussed, she grabbed the money and clutched it to her chest. “Great news, Brucie! Mommy is going to get some sparkly new clothes, and for you- Oh, hey Huntress!” she greeted when she saw her sitting on her armchair. “What’s up?”

Helena shared a look with Cass, who was sitting in a corner reading _Landmark Cases in Forensic Psychiatry._

“It’s for the session” Helena said “Thank you.”

“No problem at all, doll!” Harley said, and jumped up from the sofa with surprising agility, considering how much her head was spinning.

“On two conditions” Helena stopped her before she could hide the entire roll in her bra. “Half of it goes towards Cass’ trust fund.”

“What? Awesome!” Cass squeaked.

“It’s for college, don’t get too excited.”

“Are you kidding me? This psycho shit is so cool! I can’t wait to go to college.”

“We’re homeschooling to get her up to speed with the entry test” Harley said, proudly.

“And I want to book more sessions.” Helena added.

Harley tilted her head and scrunched her nose. “I don’t know, I don’t really want to commit to-” Helena threw her a smaller roll of banknotes, that Harley caught almost unintentionally.

“Here’s my downpayment. Thursday 3pm, at the Booby Trap. Bring some snacks and whatever weapon you fancy.”

“You got a deal!”

* * *

Luckily for Helena, Montoya was a creature of habit. So when she walked into the base and found her sorting through documents, she wasn’t too surprised.

“I thought we were taking a couple of days off.”

Montoya looked up from the pile of paper with a sigh.

“You now me. What are you doing here?”

“I wanted to talk to you.”

There was a seriousness to Huntress’ tone, so Montoya skipped the passive-aggressive comments she had in mind and closed the folder in front of her.

“Go on.”

Helena sat in front of her, and looked like she was formulating the right question in her mind.

“You were in the police for what, twenty years?”

“Give or take.”

“So you were a cop in Gotham when my family was alive.”

“I sure was.”

“They weren’t... good people, were they?”

Renee’s eyebrows shot up, too fast too hide her surprise. There she was, about to break the news that no, her family was not “good people”. They were violent mobsters who kept Gotham in a constant war against the Golden Lions and the Galantes, way before Sionis was even in the picture.

“Honestly? No, they weren’t. They were pretty fucking shit.”

Helena took a deep breath, and let her world adjust on its new axis. She felt a knot in her throat she couldn’t quite untangle.

“Why do you care?” Montoya asked. It wasn’t like Huntress to dwell on that kind of things.

“How do you know if you’re a good person?” Helena asked instead.

“Fucking million dollar question, Bertinelli” She scoffed “Maybe you should ask a priest.”

“But you always know when you’re doing the right thing.” Helena objected.

“Well, there’s right, and then there’s good. And I’m not sure I always know.” Renee leaned back on her chair. She was not in the mood for that kind of conversation, but it was pretty clear that the topic had taken a certain urgency in Huntress mind. She could see how lost she was feeling.

“Look, there are only two things that matter in the world: freedom, and power. That’s it. You do what you want to do, that’s freedom. You make people do what they don’t want to do, that’s power. The line is thin, and we walk it every fucking day. There’s a lot of types of power: money, violence, knowledge. Some people have it, some don’t. Then there’s the law. At its best, the law is there to protect people without power.”

“So the law says what’s right and what’s wrong?”

“In theory.” Montoya continued “But not always. People use the law to do shitty things all the time. Look at Cass: her foster family gets to cash a check to look after her, doesn’t care she’s basically living with an Arkham fugitive. That’s legal.”

“Then how do you know when a law should be followed, and when it should be broken?” Helena was getting more and more confused.

“You gotta follow your guts. And your principles. You gotta decide what’s important.”

“What’s important to you?”

Montoya thought about it for a second, then said: “That people with power don’t fuck over people without power.”

Helena weighted her words for a moment, then she leaned closer, cleared her throat, and asked one last question.

“What about love?”

Renee tried to keep her smirk to a minimun. “Love doesn’t make you a good or a bad person, kid. Everyone can love. You think Szas didn’t love Sionis? If anything, loving the wrong people can make you do terrible things. Loving the right one, though... can make a cold-blooded killer want to be good person.”

Helena looked down, a shy smile crossing her face.

They heard hurried steps behind them, then the door opened and Dinah burst into the warehouse. She looked like she was running.

“Oh” she let out “You’re here.” She said it before she could fully register Montoya was also there. “I... called you to check on you - that much was true - see how you were doing after I left. Last night.”

Helena frowned, but knew better than to expose a lie. Dinah might have good reason for that.

“Looks like you guys need to talk” Montoya said “I’ll stretch my legs and get a coffee.” As she walked past Dinah, she stopped, leaning closer, and whispered: “Those are the same clothes you were wearing last night, Lance.”

Dinah pursed her lips, caught red handed. Helena checked her phone and found a few missed calls. “Oh shit, I’m sorry. I’m still not used to checking my phone.”

“That’s ok, I was just worried. You kinda disappeared this morning and I thought maybe you freaked out.”

“Fair assumption, I do do that” Helena admitted. It made Dinah smile. “No, I just had to take care of something, I should have left a note.”

“Right, cool” Dinah felt the adrenaline leave her body, and suddenly she didn’t really know what to do with herself. Helena stood in front of her, looking just as confused.

“So... how’s the stab wound?”

“It’s good. Fine.” Helena looked away, unsure on how to continue the conversation, then finally settled for: “Did you sleep well?”

“Yeah, great.” Dinah replied.

The silence between them became painfully awkward. Helena was entirely unequipped to understand why Dinah had become so skittish, and in return she started thinking she expected her to do something but couldn’t quite figure out what. Dinah, on the other hand, wasn’t entirely sure where they stood, and had no idea how to ask. So she took a few step backwards and said: “I’m just gonna... I’m meeting a Gui for brunch, we had it planned for weeks... I’ll see you around?” She then turned around and left.

Helena could swear she was about to sprint, and felt something between sad and relieved.

* * *

“What’s this about?” Gui had taken an early lunch break and waited for Dinah to show up at the Friendly Bean. He showed her the text she had sent him.

_Hot Mess Bi, 11:37am: Emergency brunch, meet me at the FB in 15 minutes._

“That’s my name on your phone?” she squealed, trying to grab the device from his hand. He quickly pulled it back towards himself, giving her a stern yet sassy look. “Ok, fine, that’s accurate.” she admitted.

“Talk to me, hon” he encouraged “before I get too distracted by that beefy daddy over there.”

“No, Gui, I need you to focus.”

“Alright sis, spill the tea!”

Dinah rolled her eyes. Gui wasn’t the type to reel off the gay slang, so she knew he was making fun of her.

“Remember Helena?”

“You feral little friend?” Gui replied “how could I not?”

“Well it turns out I may have a thing for her.”

“No shit!” Gui laughed from his belly and almost spilled his cappuccino.

“And it seems like... it may be mutual.”

“Are you going to tell me something I don’t know or...”

“Ok, fine! We kissed, ok? And I spent the night at her place.”

“Finally some juicy details” Gui shuffled in his seat, looking excited. “Oh my God, is she into weird stuff? She looks like she might be.”

“No, Jesus, we didn’t even... listen, I never spend the night, ok? I don’t do relationships. And we work together. This is very bad.”

“Are you feeling suffocated? Tied up? Trapped? Are you facing your inability to connect on a deeper level with another human being?”

“Don’t make fun of me!” Dinah felt a mix of panic and irritation “And yes, goddammit.”

“Will you calm down, Lance? You kissed a girl during a sleepover. What are you, twelve?”

Dinah rolled her eyes and crossed her arms in protest.

“Why are you so worried? Has she asked you to marry her or something?”

“No that’s not... she hasn’t asked me anything, to be honest. But this morning she left without saying anything, and when I woke up” “In her bed” “yes, Gui, in her bed. When I woke up I was worried, ok? She tends to put herself in some dangerous situations, and she didn’t leave a note or anything. Like, am I supposed to check on her now? She said I make her feel safe, like, that’s a lot of responsibility. And I don’t want to have to tell anyone what I do with my life. I don’t want to... I don’t know, tell people, hold hands and that kind of shit.”

Gui looked at her gaping and smiling at the same time, and Dinah wondered how that was even possible.

“Oh. My. God. You are freaking out!”

Dinah rested her forehead on the table, defeated.

“Dinah, sweetie, you need to take a long, deep breath and chill. First: it is so clear you have a huge crush on her. Like, don’t even try to play it cool. Second: she said you make feel safe, not that’s your responsibility. She looks like she can take care of herself. And third: she left you in her bed and went out without saying a word. She doesn’t seem the type that overtexts. You’re the one who was worried, I bet you called her, like, twenty-five times.”

“Just seven” Dinah mumbled.

“So why are you worried that she will tie you up in coupl-y things? Do you think she’ll force you to take her shopping or something? U-haul next week?”

“No, I-”

“You know what I think?”

“Pretty sure I’m about to find out.”

“I think you have it so bad, you’re scared of your feelings. She ain’t asked you anything, mama!”

“Do not swing your finger at me!” Dinah said, grabbing his index that was tracing patterns in the air.

“But am I wrong?”

Dinah leaned back on her seat, defeated. Gui switched their position so now it was him holding her hand.

“Babe, it’s ok to be scared. But don’t overthink it: just tell her how you feel, what you want and what you don’t want. I’m sure she will understand.”


	8. Riddle me this

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things are getting awkward at the Birds of Prey base, but when Cass puts herself in danger again, they have to put their issues aside and help Harley get her back alive.

Dinah soon realised it was easier said than done. She went back to base with the full intention of having a measured, rational conversation with Huntress about commitment issues and personal boundaries. She even rehearsed it. _I really like you, but right now it’s probably best if we keep it casual_ \- she mumbled as she opened door.

Unfortunately, when she walked in and saw Helena in a corner, balancing horizontally on her arms in what she had learnt was called a mayurasana, her mind went completely blank. Helena looked very focussed, almost in a meditative state, and Dinah couldn’t help letting her eyes wonder on her absolutely shredded arms that were glistening with sweat, muscles contracted yet perfectly still.

Helena hadn’t seen her, or, if she had, she hadn’t shown it. Dinah backed away and realised she needed better focus and a lot more rehearsal than that.

* * *

Things were getting weird, and Montoya was definitely noticing. Dinah started attending the briefing sessions and pick tasks she could do by herself. She was noticeably quieter. Renee had just gotten used to Helena’s saying something endearingly dumb, and Dinah laughing and teasing her relentlessly. Now, there was a tension she almost couldn’t bear.

Helena, on the other hand, seemed barely affected. But Montoya knew better than to take her face value, and could feel a new type of sadness in her. It had been a week of this new dynamic, and she had started wondering if things would ever go back to normal.

It was 8pm on a Tuesday when Harley bursted in the warehouse, breathless, lipstick smeared and mascara running down her cheeks.

“Help!” she yelled “Cassandra she... she stole someth-” her voice broke into a sob “She... they... they took her!”

“What the fuck...” Montoya let out.

“Who?” Dinah yelled.

“Where is she?” Helena asked, loading her crossbow.

“The old Gotham fair” Harley weeped “they took her to the Riddler Ride.”

Montoya was about to ask some follow up questions, but Helena was already out of the door - a sound of screeching tyres followed almost immediately.

“Fucking dumbass assassin” Montoya mumbled, reaching for her gun and brass knucks. Dinah was scrambling for her car keys.

“Come on guys, let’s go, we don’t have much time” Harley pleaded.

* * *

When they reached the ride, they found Helena kicking the bricked up door and throwing stones at it.

“Fuck!” she yelled “Open you fucking fuck!”

“Calm down, Huntress” Montoya said when they finally got to her “there’s gotta be a riddle we need to solve.”

“Open the fucking door!” Helena yelled at no one, rage running through her body.

Dinah reached for her arm, but Helena pulled away immediately.

“Hey” she said, trying to stay calm “We’re going to find her, she’s going to be fine.”

“Hey guys, I think I found something” Harley said, almost cheerfully, and pulled down a lever that lifted the whole brick wall up, revealing a dark tunnel. “What are we waiting for? Let’s go!”

Helena sprinted forward, followed by Dinah. Montoya hesitated for a second, then threw all caution aside and tailed them. The tunnel got darker as they went deeper, and soon they had to slow down.

“Something doesn’t add up...” Montoya mumbled, getting suspicious.

They turned a corner, and saw a pale light at the end.

“Harley! Help!" It was Cassandra’s voice. Huntress and Canary run ahead.

Montoya was ready to follow when someone covered her mouth and lifted from the ground, dragging her through a secret side passage.

“Shhhh” the assailant whispered “don’t make any noise.”

Montoya looked at her kidnapper and could only breath out: “You?”

* * *

Huntress and Canary reached a circular room with no doors. It was tall and the only windows were next to the ceiling.

“We must be in the tower” Dinah said, remembering seeing it from outside.

While they were trying to figure out how to move forward, a metal gate closed behind them, blocking their only way out.

“Shit” Helena let out, looking around for an opening, restless.

“Helena, calm down” Dinah tried to ease Huntress’ anxiety, but she was starting to panic too.

_Click._

“Did you hear that?” Helena asked, eyes darting in all directions.

“Heard what?” Dinah tried to ask, but before she could figure out what was happening, Huntress leaped in front of her as a loud bang went off. They both remained still for a long moment.

“Helena?”

Dinah watched Huntress wobble and step back, almost falling over her. She moved to the side and saw a splatter of blood covering her chest, her neck, and up to the side of her face.

“Helena!” she screamed, grabbing her before she could fall on the ground. She tried to hold her upright, but her body felt limp and lifeless. As gently as possible, she laid her on the ground and sat behind her, holding her against her chest.

“Helena, please” she whispered, lips pressed against her temple “stay with me, ok?”

Helena’s eyes rolled up with enormous effort. She felt all her energy leave her body, and started shaking.

“Dinah...” she breathed out. She could see tears rolling down Canary’s face, and raised a hand to wipe one away, but could only manage to reach her jaw. She felt weak. “Don’t cry. It doesn’t hurt anymore.”

That was not a good sign, Dinah thought, not a good sign at all.

“Helena, listen” Dinah took her hand and squeezed it “I’m sorry I’ve been sort of a dick lately, but you have to get out of here and let me make it up to you, ok?” Her voice was shaking “I’m going to take you to that taco place I told you, and we’re going to get ice cream.”

“I thought you didn’t like me anymore.” Helena slurred, her voice barely audible.

“No, babe, it’s just... I got scared, ok? I’ve never... you’re... I haven’t loved anyone like this for a long time.” Her voice broke into sobs “I’ve been so stupid.”

“You love me?” Helena exhaled, closing her eyes.

“Yes, you dummy, I love you” Dinah kissed her forehead, and a drop of blood touched her lips “I love... raspberries?”

Dinah looked down at the red splatter on Helena’s body, and noticed it was weirdly transparent and had a pinkish hue to it. Definitely too sticky. She saw Huntress’ chest moving up and down, and she heard a light snoring.

“You gotta be kidding me” she let out when she saw the red liquid had some glitter sparkling in it. She finally noticed a dart sticking out of Helena’s thigh, and pulled it out. A smiley face with crosses for eyes was drawn on it.

“Harley!!!” she yelled, looking up at the widows.

“I’m sorry doll, but you two really need to talk!” the clown yelled back.

“I’m sorry too, guys!” Cassandra shouted.

“That was pretty heavy handed, Quinn” Montoya commented, standing next to her.

“Sometimes you don’t know how much you love something until you think you’ve lost it forever” Harley replied melodramatically.

“Is this about your goddamn egg sandwich?”

Harley brought her hands to her chest, nodding longingly.

* * *

Helena kept napping, and Dinah kept holding her in her arms. In a weird, twisted way Harley gave her back the chance to watch Helena sleeping, something she had missed the first time around. She had laid in the dark, gave Helena a kiss on the cheek, then held her hand - but she couldn’t see her in the pitch black darkness of her room. She had longed to look at her lips, her eyes, the tendons of her neck. She’d kept staring in her direction, hoping her eyes would adjust enough to make out her profile against the night. But they didn’t.

The next morning, she had woken up to an empty bed.

Now she could let her eyes wander over the landscape of her features. And once again, Dinah felt overwhelmed by her beauty.

“Uuhm” Helena finally hummed, then opened and closed her mouth a couple of times, almost tasting something.

“Hey” Dinah called, shuffling to help her lift up.

“What happened?” she slurred, confused. Her eyes squinted as if the world was too bright.

“Harley locked us in here.” Dinah sighed.

“Harley is such a prankster” Helena chuckled “but she’s cool! She’s a cool egg.” she continued, suspiciously modulating the pitch of her voice “She taught me that expression during therapy: she said I’m a cool egg too.”

“What the fuck did she put in this thing?” Dinah mumbled to herself, looking at the dart shell that bear no information whatsoever.

“You are a cool egg too. And you’re soooo pretty. How are you so pretty?”

“Ok” Dinah helped to an upright position “you’re high as a kite.”

“And you’re short as a shortbread!” Helena replied “and also delicious. What’s this?” She lifted an arm to touch the slimy liquid on her chest.

“Glitter and raspberry jam” Dinah sighed, trying to stop her from smearing the sticky substance on her nose.

“Peanut glitter jam” Helena commented, almost to herself “mh no, glitter butter jam?”

“Maybe it’s better if you sit back down” Dinah was trying to stay serious, but Helena was just... adorable.

“Dinah Lance” Helena freed herself from her arms, and straighten herself up “you are very stupid and you were definitely a dick but I forgive you, because I’m also scared and I also love you. There.”

Dinah dropped her head. “Oh so you heard me...”

“I heard you” she confirmed “and I heard you love raspberries too.” She leaned forward and plopped on her, wrapping her in a glitter raspberry jam hug.

“I guess I deserve that.”

* * *

She had managed to load a giggling Huntress on the car, and she had driven her to her flat all the while plotting revenge against one Harley Quinn. It would take ages to remove all the raspberry jam from the car seats.

When they finally reached the apartment, she quickly realised that before putting Huntress to bed she would need to at least rinse out the sticky substance from her.

“Come on, let’s get you in the shower” she sighed.

Helena was quite collaborative, and almost jumped in the shower boots and all.

“Wait, it’s still cold, give it a minute” Dinah pulled her back “Lift one foot for me?”

Helena obeyed, and eventually they managed to get her barefoot. Dinah considered how to proceed, and given the amount of jam on their clothes, she figured they might as well wash them at the same time. She removed all the belts, holsters and knives that made up Hunstress’ uniform, then removed her own shoes and jewelry. She watched the vapour rising from the shower, and thanked god she didn’t pick her own apartment: Helena’s shower was definitely more spacious.

She entered first and pulled Helena in, then pushed her under the hot stream of water.

“I’m washing me and my clothes” Helena said, giggling.

“Glad Cass has introduced you to some classic vines” Dinah commented, holding her under the shower head. She then started rubbing some soap on Helena’s neck, where most of the jam was stuck. She moved up to her face, then realised her hair was also encrusted with fruit syrup. She found some shampoo on a shelf and gently started rubbing it into Helena’s hair.

“Wait” Helena lifted a finger, and crouch down a bit “Now you can reach my head.”

“I’m not that short” Dinah protested.

“Sure”

Dinah scoffed, but continued to massage her scalp, noticing Helena was letting out some guttural noises.

“That’s very nice” she said, almost mindlessly. She finally stood back up, letting the water rinse the shampoo away, then she vigorously shook her head in a way that reminded Dinah of a large dog.

“Are you sobering up?” Dinah asked, tilting her head.

“I think so” Helena said rubbing her face a few times. “Wow, that was a ride. But you’re shaking.” Before Dinah could protest, she swapped their places and placed her under the water stream.

“Uh, that’s better” Dinah commented, closing her eyes, enjoying the warmth on her body. Helena watched as the water washed down her face, trickling down her cheeks and pooling between her lips. She followed the rivets down her neck, and watched them disappear under her golden vest, now clinging on to her skin.

“What are you looking at?”

Dinah’s words pulled her out of her stupor, but she didn’t sound upset. Her voice felt warm and thick and almost liquid. It felt like honey dripping into her mouth.

“You” is all Helena could say, surprising both of them.

Dinah smiled, dimples forming on her cheeks and breaking the rivets on their paths. She reached for Helena’s face and pulled her into a kiss.

 _This is different_ \- Helena thought, as she was dragged again under the water stream. Dinah had kissed her like she was craving her, and she found the same hunger in herself. It didn’t take long for her hands to find their way to Dinah’s hips, and move up, almost possessed by a will she didn’t know they had.

And Dinah’s hands were on her back, fingers dragging on her skin, nails digging around her shoulder blades.

Helena’s hands moved to Dinah’s golden vest, her fingers reached over her chest. Without thinking, she pushed her against the wall and tore the garment apart, buttons flying to the floor. Dinah bit her lower lip, and looked at her with fire in her eyes.

“Oh shit, I’m sorry” Helena stuttered “I don’t know what-”

But Dinah didn’t let her finish. She leaned in and closed her mouth with hers, running her fingers through her air, then kissing her neck.

“Dinah” Helena gasped, but she didn’t slow down “Dinah wait, please.” Helena’s voice sounded chocked up, almost as if she was drowning. This time, Dinah stopped.

“What’s happening? Are you ok?” she asked, concerned.

Helena took a couple of deep breathes, nodding, water filled her gaping mouth.

“I just... I have no idea what I’m doing.” she admitted.

Dinah relaxed back on her heels, realising only then she had stood on her tiptoes. She titled her head, and smiled again. Helena mirrored her, only slightly embarrassed.

“It’s ok, we don’t have to do anything.” She reassured her. “Why don’t you turn around, let me get out of these clothes and pass me a towel.”

Helena nodded, water dripping down her nose and chin.

“Just a second, ok?” Dinah slipped out of her soaking clothes and quickly removed the remaining raspberry jam. Helena grabbed a towel from a stack and handed it to her without looking.

“There, you can finish your shower now.” Dinah said, sliding past her and gently placing a kiss on her cheek. “I’ll make some food.”

Helena watched her leave, her head spinning wildly.


	9. Epilogue.

Helena walked into her the kitchen wearing a white vest and sweatpants. Dinah had found a basketball tee and was alternating cooking and fighting with the sleeves, clearly way too long for her arms.

“I see you found the eggs.” Helena commented.

“I found nothing but eggs.” Dinah scoffed, sliding an omelette on a plate.

“I’m sorry, I don’t cook much. Also I’m not very hungry, I think the anaesthetic messed with my stomach a bit.”

“Really? I’m starving.”

They sat on opposite side of her kitchen island - Dinah stabbing the eggs with a fork then bringing a huge bite to her mouth, Helena watching her, hopelessly endeared.

“Why did Harley locked us in the tower, anyway?” Helena asked, trying to remember that night’s event. It was all a bit confusing. The fork Dinah was bringing to her mouth stopped mid-air.

“She said you and I needed to talk.” she finally admitted.

“I feel like there are easier ways...”

“You know Harley.” Dinah sighed “Always overdramatic... she’s damn effective though. Here we are, aren’t we?”

“I guess we are.” Helena shrugged.

“I meant what I said, Helena. I was an idiot, I was avoiding you and didn’t give you any explanation and I acted like a dick.”

Helena nodded thoughtfully.

“I wasn’t too surprised, to be honest. I thought you finally realised I’m not that great of a person. Just a scary killing machine... I mean, I did spend my entire life avenging a bunch of criminals.”

Dinah could see Helena had been thinking long and hard about the matter, and still couldn’t find a way to cut herself some slack.

“They were your family” Dinah stood up and circled around the table “and you loved them. And someone took them away from you, from a little girl.” she wrapped her arms around her shoulders “The world is a better place without the people you killed. And you can still love your family while accepting they were not good people. It doesn’t make you a bad person.”

Helene leaned into Dinah, and didn’t say anything.

“Cass told me what you did at the Booby Trap” Dinah continued “we were all so busy fighting we forgot she was a kid. But not you. You wanted to protect her innocence as well as her life. You’re a good person, Helena. You care so much it almost hurst you.”

Helena closed her eyes, and let Dinah’s words soothe her.

“You’re the only one who sees it.”

“Montoya sees it too,” Dinah objected “and Gui adores you.”

“Really?” Helena frowned, amused.

“Yes, he thinks you’re very cool and adorable.” Dinah released her shoulder and moved in front of her “And for the record, so do I. I’m not scared of you. I’m scared of how much I...” Dinah wasn’t sure how she ended up stringing that sentence together, but there was only one way to end it, and she was terrified of doing so.

“You don’t have to say it” Helena reassured her “I know.” Dinah smiled, grateful, at least until Helena added “I mean you were pretty fucking clear in the tower, Miss Lance.”

“Shut up” Dinah breathed out, but couldn’t find it in herself to be mad. “I thought you were dying.”

“Harley doesn’t pull punches huh?”

“Girl knows what she’s doing.”

They shared a look that felt new and familiar at the same time. Dinah dragged her fingers through Helena’s hair, pulling it back, as to see her better.

“I think we both need to take it slow” Dinah admitted “I feel like neither of us has any idea what she’s doing when it comes to this kind of stuff.”

“God I’m so glad you’re saying that. I’m absolutely out of my element, like... at all times.”

“Mh, you got some good instincts, I’ll tell you that much” Dinah teased thinking about how she pushed her against a wall and tore apart her vest. “But we’ll figure it out, ok?”

Helena tilted her head, and took a long, wistful look at Dinah. She felt a wave of nostalgia, and realised something was lost forever. She knew, then, that the unfamiliar calmness at the pit of her stomach was the empty space left by her anger.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That's it! Thank you for reading ^_^ I read it all back and I have to say I'm not particularly pleased with my prose, but it had been a long time since the last time I wrote anything, and I had a lot of fun!
> 
> I would love to write some one-shots for this pairing, so if you have any prompts just drop me a message at das-gay.tumblr.com or here in the messages.
> 
> <3

**Author's Note:**

> I don't have a proofreader so probably full of typos ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯  
> Please leave a comment if you enjoyed it.


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